Here I am.

Alone again.

This past few weeks have been really melancholy.

Interspersed with brief bursts of short-lived happiness.

But still melancholy.

No offense to anybody, especially my friends.

But I feel very alone now.

Even surrounded by people.

I just feel distant.

Nowadays, I spend my time thinking a lot.

Pondering.

I think I've been given this time to think.

As a test.

They say that only people without faith

find that they are alone

even in the most crowded of rooms.

Am I faithless?

Have I lost faith in myself?

In God?

But then I quickly think and assert myself.

Maybe I'm just afraid to find out the real answer.

And what is the real answer?

I find myself thinking that sometimes this world may be just a figment of my imagination.

And I don't really exist in this fantasy of mine.

But, if that is true...

Why is my fantasy full of uncertainty and hardships?

haha.

I guess I'm not dreaming then.

Well, this may be a heck of a rollercoaster ride...

But it's still my life.

Can I hide under a rock and not come out? I'm trying to hide from myself.

Or rather, you guys hide from me.

I'm a selfish, oversensitive, narcissistic, egoist, lazy bum.
Crazy lazy bum.

And I forgot cowardly.

Why must I always be confronted with you?
Idiot.

"Aku takut akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut dosa yang terus membayangiku"



I am feeling so overwhelmed by these feelings. I heard this song and I was crying so hard. My heart felt like it would burst from my chest, so hard I couldn't breathe. My eyes puffy with too many tears.

If I died now, most probably I'd die feeling like I'm glad I felt I loved God with ALL my heart at least once in my life. The feeling is so profound.

But I'm sad too.
That I didn't do enough to earn His love and faith in me.
I feel like I let Him down somehow.
Like it's never enough.
For His all encompassing love.

I feel like a jerk.
For giving in to temptations of Life.

When this life is just a mere second
in the face of the eons of forever.
Eternity.

I'd probably die knowing that I'd get what I deserved.
In Hell.
The deepest darkest depths.

The fragility of human life is not something to be wasted on materialism.
But somehow...

I keep falling back into the depths.

But if I do, I know that my love for Him, even though sometimes I may not have known it,
must be bigger than myself.

"Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku

Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon
Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

*Instrumental*

Andai kutahu
MalaikatMu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku
Mengucap kata tobat padaMu

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

Ampuni aku
Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku
Menangisku bertobat padaMu

Aku manusia
Yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga
Tak pantas di surga

Andai kutahu
Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan aku
Mengucap kata tobat padaMu

Aku takut
Akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut
Dosa yang terus membayangiku

Ampuni aku
Dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku
Menangisku bertobat padaMu"

I've been somewhat of a crafter these past month. Don't know why. Just was.
Anyways, here are some of my "creations". From the most recent to the less recent ones.

Some front slit bustle kinda...dress.
Not enough poof, I must say. I butchered my $12 dress to do this (put 2 front slits) and put my ruffled underskirt below. Still needs a petticoat I think, for more POUF!
Supposed to look piratey, but what the hey.

My ruffled bustle underskirt in black that I bought from asumi. Cost me a pretty penny, too. But I love it! Though the waist pinches a little. Even though its elastic. @_@

Back view in all its ruffley goodness!

And one of the last, a puffy bubble skirt thingymajig I sewed myself. Yes, it's elastic. But the construction and workmanship was horrendous. Plenty of unfinished stuff. I was too lazy to do the damn thing properly. But for a first attempt at this kinda skirt, it's good, by my standards.

And some stuff I made from Perler beads I got from IKEA. Planning to sell them or something as necklace pendants or pins. If, it looks good enough to sell.
Took me ages just to get enough of the right colour beads from the box FULL of multicolour beads.

CHERRy!

PIANO!

PACMAN!!!


And some stuff I made from the so-called transparent Shrinky Dink-like plastic I found at Daiso. Didn't turn out too well because I couldn't control the crinkling.
DAMN.

Oh well, enough of my craft post for now.
Cya.