Haha...finally got the energy to post again. Sniff. My dose is dripping like a tap. A running one. Got Chem practical today. I came about 1 and a half hours early. Nothing to do but sit there with "Ernie" and do Chem last minute. I don't know why he came early but I thought it was 8:30 but it turned out to be 10:00. About 9:00, stupid Marco came and joined us (seriously, I'm not biased against him but I really read a book with the title "Stpid Marco" before...) I don't know what the hell they talked about. They were whispering about something which I couldn't hear because I was listening to my mp3. I heard snatches of their conversation, like "Don't tell me she's so thick?..." (I'm assuming that's me.). Then they asked me whether I could hear their conversation. Obviously, they don't want me to hear it. I'm just doing my own bloody business, why do I care? Honestly, what the hell could they be talking about that they don't want me to hear?

Anyways, just got hooked to another K-drama called Goong. Its pretty nice form what I heard and saw from bits and pieces of it. I'm looking forward to finish reading the manga and watching the TV series. I hope Chuang Yi decides to publish the manga because I want to read it. I'd buy it. Hear that, Chuang Yi?

Well, I had a bad day. A lot of things happened that made me realise some things about myself and my life. It would be better if my thoughts could magically express themselves on this blog, but unfortunately human technology is not so advanced yet. Today, I just got back my marks for my Mid-Year exam. Fast, isn't it? I failed two subjects, Chemistry and Physics. Well, in truth, most of my subjects weren't much to look at either. The best that I got was my English and Biology. How am I supposed to face my parents, let alone myself. Living with myself everyday knowing I didn't do my best. Well, it's hard.

Another thing, I feel so unlike myself nowadays that I feel that I don;t know myself anymore. Not anything. Today, the results for the next committee was out. I feel okay about it...What I am sad about is that this is our last activity in SJAB before we step down. And you know what, the juniors totally did not respect us at all. We had to threaten and shout before they would listen. You know what really broke our hearts and caoused us so much heartpain? They didn't even have the initiative to plan our step down. It's not that we expect something grand, just that they could be a little more appreciative of our efforts. The juniors actually seemed happy to see us go. Wouldn't it pain your heart too?

And another thing. Why is it that I always act funny around guys? I mean, any guy that is not ugly and of eligible age. Preferably under thirty. I kind of seem attracted to a lot of guys. Is it possible to have a crush on a few guys at the same time? Not strangers of course. People I know. Relatively. Is it teenage hormones? Or am I just a nymphomaniac? I kind of act like I want to do something impressive and somehow act stupid. Really really stupid. Or crazy. Whichever is less mortifying...I honestly do not know. I like them and all but that's it. I just like them from afar. I don't even intend to tell anyone, let alone my crush(es). Although to be honest, I yearn for approval and adoration. People around me left and right are having relationships. I feel left out. Socially awkward.

Do you know that I am awkward in social situations? There is a certain self-awareness and kind of a terror. How do I act? How do I react? I must be paranoid, for I think that sometimes, people are taking about me. Looking at me. Like I am in a reality show and everyone watches me live my life. Like everyone else knows what role to play, and I'm the only one who doesn't. This is my true and heartfelt feelings. I have a lot of secrets so deep and dark that I cannot ever tell anyone. For I would lose all that I have and be shunned by society. I might never come out of the closet. For that is the only place that I can hide and be myself...

I had a very bad nightmare just now. Very very bad. I'm trying hard not to cry over it. And it's a dream within a dream within a dream. Something I had a while ago before the Mid-Years. Sometimes I keep having nightmares and it's scary. This dream was different, someone I love died in a horrible freak accident in front of my eyes. She was standing beside a gas tank (I don't know why...) and then we chided her for crossing the road when the cars were moving. Someone beside us, a stranger, threw a rock at her because they agreed with us. We warned her not to throw it because of the gas tank. But she had already thrown it. I told my sister to run. The gas tank didn't seem to be affected but then it started to catch fire. My sister couln't run away fast enough; she caught fire and burned. It was horrible. I saw her burn in front of my eyes, wither away. Then I realised that the tank was going to explode. So I shouted for everyone to run into shelter in the form of the MRT station of some sort nearby. We all ran and could feel the blast as we reached safety. Even in the dream, I could feel the loss of my sister.

It turns out, the MRT station was some sort of airport or transportation station. It felt so real and I was still reeling from the loss. My mother suggested we take a transport to another country and start over. Then it shifted. I appeared that the dream just now was actually a dream in my dream. She did not die. Thank God. But things started happening and it shifted again. It turns out that the dream that was supposedly just a dream in my dream was actually true. The fact that it was just a dream WAS in fact just a dream. She was gone. And then, I said something like "They can't feel the fire" or something like that. And then someone caught fire and died. Again.

I can't take it. I wake up and it feels so real but I prayed that it wasn't and that I would never have to face those kind of dreams again. I keep having weird nightmares. Like of g***ts and things that wanted to eat me up. Where is my dream guardian? The one that was supposed to protect me in my dreams? I wish I had a knight in shining armor to save me. Or anyone. Just save me from myself. I hope I'm able to wake up.

Today, I went to Tanjong Pagar to accompany my sister on her "quest". Mission, you can call it. She was supposed to take pictures of buildings for her school project. And my mother, me and my other sister tagged along. (only because we wanted to go somewhere else after that...wink ;) Eventually, after escorting our sister to the NEL, we went exploring Chinatown. I didn't know that Chinatown is actually quite hip. It has a lot of cool and unique stores. Who would've thought? I feel like busting out my money on some stuff. So cheap! My sister finally found that bag that she wanted. I bought one too...Well, technically, my mother did. But I tried to pay for it except that she insisted that she pay. I wanted to buy her something for Mothers' Day, anything that she wanted. But she declined. She said she didn't want anything. I want to get for her the stretch jeans that she wants. I'll make it a surprise.

After that, we went to the Expo to look at the Metro sale. Not much actually. Got bored. Saw loads of eye candy though...To "wash" my eyes. It's called "guy therapy"...drools

What the Fuck?! Of all the things to happen this week... Everyone seems to be in a rage this week. The slightest bit of provocation can turn someone into an ugly beast. I have to tread carefully since I seem to be the target of all the release of anger. I thinking I hate this week. And I hate you!!! (notice my excalmation marks are used to great effect.) Boo hoo for you.

Zip-a-dee-doodah! Got my class tee today. I was so excited about it until I saw the design. It's not that it's bad or anything, just not what I expected... Well, one man's trashy thoughts is another man's goldmine of perverted pleasure. Haha. Gotcha there, didn't I? Well, not much to say today. Feel so sleepy. Been yawning like 3 yawns/min on my sleepy or bored moods. Today I had almost whole day free periods. Cut my finger today. Nothing big. But I acted like it was going to be the death of me. Embarassing. Feel so lethargic now...

Help me.