If You come into my heart

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I would run I would fly

if you come into my heart

profile tagboard affiliates archives

Hey. This is where I express my thoughts and feelings. Feel free to leave if you don't like it. :D

this is me)

Saturday, September 29, 2007 / 9:09 PM

I am excited, tired, frustrated, hungry and just...a myriad of emotions.

Just came back from going out with Shikin. I don't really know what to say. But I'll say it anyways. Went to Atsuki to order my shoes. Paid the deposit first. I wasn't sure of the size so I tried on the shoe size the boss recommended, 24.5. It fits and has a little wiggle room. yay! Had to withdraw my cash though.

Afterwards, was "coerced" to play pool with Shikin using "emotional blackmail". lol. Harsh words. Since I had dragged her all the way to Atsuki, I though, why not? Then I wanted to go home to buka. But when we got there, of course, must play for at least one hour so I decided maybe nevermind, I'll just buka when I get home later. Though I was hemming and hawing at first, I soon found that it was kinda fun. Noob as I obviously was, it was ok. End up, finished at around 8 plus. Then when it came to the payment, Shikin had no money. So I paid first. $18.10. I know I'm petty but I have a thing about money. Especially mine. She say she had to meet up with Andy later so she needed money to eat. But nevermind, I sabar... Luckily, I had the foresight to withdraw extra $20 with the deposit money. But after paying, I was kinda broke. So didn't eat. Hungry, tired but nevermind. Went on the MRT. Shikin tried to ask me to accompany her to Khatib but luckily I said no. If not, I would be home later. And more hungry to boot. Since Shikin wasn't puasa-ing (she ate chocolate throughout pool), she wasn't hungry.

That was why I was irritated and frustrated. Should be I puasa then I should have money to eat what. I puasa whole day leh. *_*. You never think about that I puasa leh. Seriously, I wanted to cry. Whatthehell. But wimpy soft-hearted idiot that I am, I didn't protest. I even said she could pay me back later. If it was non-puasa day, I would have maybe grumbled but thought, hey, she paid for some stuff for me before...and that I must think how Zuu and she must have felt when I said that I'll pay them back later before. But somehow, feeling tired and hungry, I felt frustrated and mad. But after some serious reflection, I realised I was more angry at myself for letting her do this if I wasn't comfortable with it. AND I went out of free will. I wasn't tortured or anything. I did have fun. I know this will hurt her feelings but I need to rant somewhere. Why not my blog?

But I thank her for teaching me pool. I forgive her cos' #1) it's Ramadhan, #2) she's just like that and #3) if I never forgive her now, I will continue to stew in my anger for a whole week. Really.

I tend to keep grudges.

And I must ask her to forgive my atrocious behaviour for being such a selfish and inattentive person in any way, especially with this entry. I know I'm a monster.

Farah, Nithya and Syahirah, forgive me if I have ever failed all of you as a close friend. To my family, forgive my narcissistic and selfish ways. To God, forgive me for not serving you well enough. To my TP gals, for give me if I have appeared self-serving. I hope I can change.

Thursday, September 27, 2007 / 10:41 PM

These are my fave pics of the day...(Of course, there were many more but too many to post without serious load damage.) And these 4 edited pics were done by my bestest friend, Farah! Take a bow, Farah! *sankyuu* Cool, right?

First, we went for the Hang Ten Atrium interview. If selected, no Hari Raya for me. I am sadded. *_* But I most worry about breaking fast, and whether I can stand the work or not...

Then, after that we explored AMK hub. Round and round and round. Then we went to Woodlands. Played at TIMEZONE. All chipped in $10. wow. First time I like splurged on arcade gaming. But it was totally fun, though I did hog the games abit I think. Kesian Syahirah.We spent the bulk of it on House of the Dead (see above). Extremely violent and scary. But fun. We got pretty far though. I was shaking and reloading like mad. I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!!! heheheh

/ 12:38 AM

There she goes. There she goes again...
Apparently, so goes my life.

I am frustrated and bored and whattheheck all at the same time. All my life I have been wishing to be wanted as a girl...and now, I don't wanna. All because of that stupid idiot Hafiz. Don't get me started on him. He's one of the VH guy from my old school. Dunno how he got to know me, but suddenly say he like me. Pester me like crazy. Then, since he lost my no., he pester my friend about me so now she fabricated a lie that I have a Japanese exchange student as my bf, named Tsukasa. I'm not saying VH people are bad, just that a minor few are usually misguided in the sense that they will think that they love somebody or think that that somebody loves them though they have just shown a little kindness. I'm like whatthehell. Call me EVIL or whatever. I don't care. This sucks.

On to GREENER pastures.

new wallet today. $5 only.

Got my book in the post...So excited. Bought from another seller. Not found in library. whee!

Thinking of buying the GL boots at Haru. Dunno if I should save money abit and buy the second hand ones from other sellers or buy newer ones. But I also dunno what design to choose. Need to be a bit practical...

Saturday, September 22, 2007 / 11:57 PM

Wondering what this is about? Well, all will be explained in time...

This is the dress that I reconsructed today. It's now a high waisted corset skirt. Supposedly. Used to be a dress with a damaged zipper.

Since I'm no genius at the sewing machine, I can't sew on zippers so what the hey, I used buckles. Gives and edgy sorta feel. This is my 3rd attempt at reconstructing something. I 'm pretty proud of the work, though it's far from perfect. Anyways, nights.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 / 6:15 PM

Damn. I gotta stop reading like an express train or I'll run out of good books to read. I have to wait long enough as it is for the library to stock up on the sequel of my favourite novels. Well, my mother would be happy at that cos' she's currently pestering me to study. I know, I know. Of course I'll get on it. But give me a few weeks, will ya'? If I could, I'll work. Just to have something to do in the meantime. And earn money. Something not to strenuous. Or require too much PR. I suck at PR. Oh, well.

Sunday, September 16, 2007 / 12:37 AM

My grandmother is still in the hospital. That other day, while we were going to the check up, she got warded cos' her BP was WAY too low. She's lost ALOT of weight in the last 3 months. She was round and plump, now she's like a skeleton. sigh. She's suffered a lot. Ulcers. Diabetic. High BP(Ironic isn't it?). Dehydration. Loss of appetite. In short, alot. I just pray that she gets better. Or at least, doesn't waste away like this. Insya'allah.

/ 12:12 AM

Louis Vuitton. Tiffany's. Ralph Lauren.

What do they all have in common?

I went inside all of these stores today. Met up with Shikin and went to Ngee Ann City. She wanted to look for certain stuff at Tiffany's and LV. Naturally, I protested. I hemmed and hawed, trying to find ways to convince her NOT to go in. But we went anyways. Surprisingly, my misconceived fantasy that I would get snobbish stares and somehow get kicked out was short-lived. Nothing of the sort ever happened. The door-man didn't even blink, sales assistants just smiled. Well, as leaders of the service industry of course they can't be discriminating. But it was intimidating to go in when inside, I felt like the worst sort of fool. I felt lowly and insignificant. (though they were very welcoming.) Well, that's just me. I can't say for Shikin though, cos' she has the confidence of a bulldozer. I on the other hand, have a tiny toy car. I also can't stand knowing that I do not have the moolah or the presence to buy any of these overpriced items. I saw an earring that cost $775 and that was without diamonds or gems of any sort. Too bad, both the items Shikin wanted were not available.

After browsing round ridiculously overpriced items everywhere, we headed to Far East where things were more affordable. Well, affordable compared to just now, that is. We went into Haru where Shikin bought a crown loli bag. We looked around at Athena as well and I saw lots of outfits that were so droolworthy but as usual pricey for me. Unless it's cosplay, I wouldn't fork out a lot on clothes. Then went round, and Shikin bought a dress and stuffs. I still get the feeling that I don't belong at Far East, though it's the trend nowadays to look different and unique. I have always felt inadequate in these kind of situations...sigh.

I tried to act like I was "someone" in those shops. Like I belonged somehow. Like I wasn't the one who couldn't afford these lavish items. Obvious, pretension isn't very good a quality to have. But I felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. I am such a loser. You must have already thought that, anyways, reading this. Like saying, whaddehell, she's a poseur. In short, I was trying to be someone I'm not.

And a "someone"...

I am NOT.

Saturday, September 15, 2007 / 1:05 PM

EDIT:

Obviously, you can see my erroneous mistake. There were more but they weren't with me.

I am stuck in a rut. A lull. A void. A- wait, why am I even going on about this? (Cos' I have no complulsion to blog. None. I'm blogging probably so that I know what was going on in my life.)

Went out with Nithya yesterday to watch Ratatouille. (Sorry Farah...Anyways I thought you had watched already, though I don't know now whether it was you or someone else.) After that, took Neoprint. Which sucked cos' I ruined the whole thing. Damn, I don't know how to use the new machine and I ended up covering the whole picture with the background and didn't know how to undo it. Those newfangled neoprints allow you to erase away the background so only what you want to show (i.e. your faces only). stupid me. Wasted the bloody neoprint.

Okay, get back to ya' on this blog entry. I gotta go meet with Shikin. She says she wants to go Louis Vuitton. WTH?!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 / 10:14 PM

Hello, it's me. Who else? Cleaned my room yesterday in a whirlwhind of renewed vigour. And by vigour, I REALLY mean dusting everywhere, changing positions of the cabinet, vacuuming, taking down stuff. Dunno why. Just felt like cleaning up the place. But I was glad. As usual, cleaning my room (or the house) means I have a guilty conscience or are having certain crises. Or are simply having nothing to do since I was fasting. hahaha.

I am SUPER revved. Read 2 novels to the finish in 2 days. yay! And I...LOVE it. MORE MORE MORE!!! And the books...so touching. sigh. Need more reading material. More nice ones.

And another thing. Got my results today. Thought I'd need to face it tomorrow though, until Alex(is) asked me what my results were. Was prepared to face a few supp papers when I finally checked. Relief came. Okay, so I wasn't that good but still...no supp papers. good. Was B average for all subs except CSAS and MathsStats1. I got distinction and a C respectively. I was quite content with my 2.96 until I asked AlexZz. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have. He told me his friend gt 3.77 or something. Okay...Then he said he got 3.8+....dotz...OM-freakin'-G. Never mind. Should expect nothing less from a smart AlexZz. *_*.

P.S.>> remind me to borrow A HUNGER LIKE NO OTHER, WICKED DEEDS ON A WINTER'S NIGHT both from Kresley Cole and REBEL ICE and PLAGUE OF MEMORY from S.L. Viehl.

Saturday, September 08, 2007 / 11:29 PM

Went to collect my long cardigan today. Wasn't really what I expected though. The pockets were too high, the material was thin. And it was damn small. Luckily, I could just, and I mean snugly, wear it. I was almost afraid I would have to sell it off. Anyways went round the LIME flea market. There were a lot of good stuff too including the retro chic top that I had seen on the spree! $15. Less by about $1 actually, but I didn't really wanna spend so much on a top Given also that I was quite disappointed with my cardigan ( I was heartbroken and devastated *assumes dramtic pose* ), I decided to forgo it. But I bought a satin-kinda top which looked nice for $8. And some charms for $0.50 -$1.00 each. That was all. Some of the really nice stuff were affordable but out of my budget to bust on a single item, though I found many bargains that tempted me to no end. However, I decided once and for all that I should not spend my money like it sprouted from trees.

I also realised that I was, am, a loser. I don't like going anywhere alone. I almost desperately wanted someone to accompany me. Anyone. I kept giving hints to my sisters, so desperate was I. hahaha. I don't like being thrust into crowds. Feeling like I didn't belong and that everyone was staring at me for some reason or another. Well, that sounds too much like conceit or , madness even!, for me. It's true. I hate social scenes, a crowd of people, going into town. Especially going into town. Cos' everyone's hip and trendy and beautiful. And I'm not. I'm the gawky, awkward person who looks like she's out of place...And I'm pouring my so-called troubles so I can mope and feel self-pity for myself. Someone should smack me and ask me to get a grip. It's not the end of the world. You know, to tell you the truth, I half-expect someone to say that I'm beautiful in my own way. Then, my ego would get a huge boost and my head would swell. hahaha. It's true. I'm vulnerable here, pouring out my true thoughts and feelings, DAMN it all!

(note: My mother just walked by and peered at the screen in the middle of it...and I started getting upset because of it. haha. Stupid, insecure me. I just know my mother is going to make fun of it. Of me. Or make some stupid comment. Like she always does. I still remember what she said ages ago. I HATE this!)

Okay, stop pouring out my insecurities like a babbling idiot. I know I'm a hypocritical freak.

Thursday, September 06, 2007 / 1:51 PM

waa. I have no $$$. Look! Just LOOK at all these nice clothes. Quite cheap too for the design. All going for less than $20. Some even less than $18! aww...Of all the times to put up such nice clothes on the spree. To me, it's quite affordable. But as usual, being trained since young to save money and hunt for the cheapest bargains, my poor deprived shopping persona has been denied access to its wildest spending power. *_*

tch. Actually, I do have money to spend. But I'm in poly. Does "$$$" ring a bell anywhere? Lots of it? I LOVE the first 5 designs. But I guess I'll have to wait until I'm working...(I can add this to my top 5 list of presents...hahahaha)

I like this...but...Don't you think the bunny dress is too cute for me?

I love this one...Its retro chic.

The two above are LOVE too...smart casual...which I am a big fan of.

Elegantly feminine yet a touch of masculine withe the tux-inspired collar.

Cutesy.

I love the back detail though.

Flirty piece but not one of my hotlist favourites.

Smexy but not me.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 / 8:47 AM

tagged by Zuu*

List out 5 top presents u wish for:

#1: Laptop so I can game without interruptions.

#2: The ability to sew well so I can sew my cosplay stuff.

#3: Ability to utilise my brain well.

#4: A collection of my *favourite* movies and books.

#5: A happy pill.

The person who tagged u is: Zuu*

2. Your relationship w her is: Classmate from A7B5, AS Sch, TP.

3. Your 5 impressions of her: outspoken.lively.opinionated.passionate.generous. (am i right so far?)

4. The most memorable thing she had done for you: hmmm. *ransacks brain* *throw files here* *throws memories there* *triumph* honestly, i dunno any particular event...just that she's really generous

5. The most memorable words that she had said to u: "Luke, I am your fawwtherr..."?

6. If she becomes your lover, you will? : persuade her not to become gay and not to waste herself on me?...hahaha!

7. If she's your lover, what she has to improve on: not becoming my lover.

8. If she becomes your enemy, you will? : fear her cos' she's formidable as a
opponent.

9. If she becomes your enemy, the reason is: i took McDreamy away from her. no lah, i take McSteamy.

10. The most desire thing you would like to do for her now is? : rephrase pls. "the thing that you most desire to do for her now :" answer is help her find job!

11. Your overall impression of her: passionate about what she believes in.

12. How do you think people around u will feel about u: detached. anti-social.

13. The character u love about yourself is: hopeless-ly romantic

14. On the contrary, what character u hates about yourself: i can procrastinate until i DIE

15. The most ideal person I would like to be: myself without any reservations

16. For the people who cared & liked you say something to them: Thanks for believing in me even though I'm hopeless-ly (well, maybe not so hopelessly...) flawed.

17. Pass this quiz to 10 people that u wish to know how they feel about u. Hey, please do k? Its quite fun though its long. Thanks (:

#1 Farah#2 Syahirah #3 Nithya #4 Zuu #5 Nadiah #6 Azlina #7 Tingxuan #8 Wess #9 AlexZz #10 Alex(is) Tan

Who's #2 having relationship with: umm...dunno...but she thinking of "ICE"

Is #9 a female/male: Male

If #1 & #10 be together, will it be a good thing: NO! then what about Izzat?!

How about #3 & #4: umm...Yoga den how?

#2 studying about: same as me. Biomedical Science/Biotechnology

When was the last time you chatted with #3: Teachers' Day

What kind of music does # 8 like: emo, rock

#6 has any siblings? : not at all

Will u woo # 3? : I will try to snatch her away form that blasted Yoga...hahaha

How about #7?: She has Show. Why do all the people in my list have other people? like duh. *smacks forehead*...Well, if I was a guy...yeah

Is #4 single: hmm...dunno...

Surname of #5: her dad's name is Abdul Razak

What’s the hobby of #5: Going out with friends.

#3 studying at: SP

Have u try developed feelings for #8? : No...

Where does #9 live: Pasir Ris...near the Arnold's....hahahaha...

What colour does #4 like: I know THIS! green

Does #1 & #3 best friend: yeah.

Does #7 like #2? no...why would they?

How do you know #2: secondary school "Musketeers"

Does #5 has pet: umm.... *starts calling Nad*

Sunday, September 02, 2007 / 5:05 PM

I've finished reading Light My Fire some time ago. Lovely. Absolutely worth every minute. Enough suffering drama and hopeless romance. Now halfway through Tongue in Chic. Desperately need more "reading material". Maybe I should start reserving the new Stardoc ones I so want to read. There's a new Aisling Grey one coming up, the one after Light My Fire, called Holy Smokes. But unfortunately it's not even out in the US yet. So...long wait ahead.

I feel like I'm missing something. The answer should be painfully obvious, but as it so often is...I can't find the DAMN thing. Anyways, I think I'm reading too much into things. I'm reading into clues that are so NOT there. How do I know it's not there? Cos' I know me and ME knows me has overactive imagination and inflated ego. how pathetic could I get? Very, obviously. Most probably, it's that I'm weird that's getting their stares. I really shouldn't have this conversation with myself. haha...

Saturday, September 01, 2007 / 11:50 PM

Went to Isa's sister's wedding today with Firdaus and Shkin. Wasn't planning on going at first. But then I decided what the hey just accompany Shikin. As usual, we wore some goth loli or some semblance of it. Since it was an traditional Indian-Muslim wedding. Okay lah. But I'm still so embarrassed I could hide under a rock. I was so awkward and socially inept. I'm so not ready for social scenes. Get me out of those, please. I think I made a fool out of myself. I'm such a loser. And don't I know it. I've been acting the selfish bastard these past few days. Forgive me everyone. Maybe you don't think so. But I do. I just am. I've been drowning my sorrow in chocolate. Dark chocolate, if you have it. mmmm....Anyways, I'm off to train my family at Porto Bello. Not my family per se, but my GE family online. Cheetos! (I can't say Cheerios...too Englandsy...too cereal-like...so Cheetos it is!)

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