I am so sick and tired of being someone who I am not. I keep pretending that everything's alright, that I can hide all my troubles and insecurities away under a mask of fake joy. Half the time, I don't even know what's going on. Am I normal? Or am I bipolar, with manic and depressive phases in my already confusing life. I don't get it. Am I too spineless, not able to care past the opinions of others? Or am I destined to be trapped in a body and mind I do not own? So help me God...

Haha...I got my contact lenses today. I had bought it so that I could do my marching without the interference of my glasses sliding down the bridge of my nose. Also so that I could have a "feel" of what it was like to be without glasses. I have been blind for so long...But it's not so clear though because I didn't buy the ones with astigmatism. Too expensive. As long as I can see, good enough. I hope my mother doesn't find out...

I think I'm changing. In more ways than one. I've become more obsessive-compulsive, more wacky, insane even. Maybe it's my raging hormones. Or the sight of hot males...lolz...I'm trying to concentrate on my studies, but I'm failing miserably.

I hate myself.

Went to Wild Wild Wet today with my family. I had to admit, it was quite fun but I didn't get to try all the rides. Too bad. Well, the tickets were free anyway.

Was damn pissed with my sister. You know what, she has everything for her. My mother irons for her even though she's old enough to do it herself. She gets what she wants. And she's a grumpy fuddy-duddy. I bought the meal at KFC and she "chope"ed the chicken. Asking about the whipped potato, she gave me a look and said, "You got buy with you own money, meh?". I was like, duh. She gets pissy when she doesn't get enough sleep, is irritated, has mood swings. Which is, almost everyday. WTF?!

Went to library to meet my aunt and collect something for my mother. Farah said that she was going to meet a 3pm instead of 2pm so my aunt and I went to Northpoint after that. My aunt suggested we go Swensen. I ate Gold Rush ice-cream and she ate a chicken set meal. All of which she paid for. I felt so guilty. Then we talked and went to John Little, Popular and went around NP.

I was 15 minutes late for meeting Farah. I thought she was going to be late. Suddenly she said that she was bringing along a male friend who turned out to be the "bane of her life"(once...), Hamzah. This was supposedly the one who was pestering her for her number...At once, I felt like a third wheel. So awkward having to be between 2 people. We went to the T-shirt shop at Far East and I took pictures of the different designs. After that, they ate to McCafe while I sat down and "chaperoned" them, or rather "emo"ed while they were talking to eavh other. I saw how Hamzah looked at her. He obviously likes her. You could tell even if you were absolutely blind. But she didn't want to be in a relationship then. So sad. I also didn't know he was 19.

After that, Farah and I decided to go to the National Libraray at Bugis while Hamzah went back. We went crazy in the MRT and took pictures of ourselves. So "shiok sendiri". But we had fun. We were like crazy twins. Oh yeah, Farah and I got a name card just now from a talent agency and gave our numbers. At first I was wondering why. bacuse I was listening to my mp3(you know how it makes me deaf to the world...). I only heard snippets of her talk like "magazine" and "modelling". Me? Modelling? You've got to be kidding. Farah. Yes. Me. No.

Haha..went bowling today at Orchid Country Club. I still think that OCC is better because I get higher score playing there. At SAFRA, I can't even get a strike. For the first time, I got a few strikes and quite a lot of spares. I think I've improved wth practice. Yeah, and I saw a disturbed man at Northpoint. He would check and look at himself in the mirror, walk off somewhere, come back, check himself again and then go up the escalator. Then he would come down and do it all over again. You wouldn't notice it if you were just passing by but you would realise soon enough if you stood there and waited awhile.

Went to Johor yesterday. I have wanted to buy boots for a long time. Checked at the shop at Plaza Pelangi and City Square. There were some within my price range but I didn't buy because they didn't have my size in stock. So disappointing. I almost cried. sigh. I guess I'll have to wait.

Yesterday night I had a weird dream. No. Not that kind of weird-ass dream. I dreamt about having different parents and having a different religion. In one dream, I had "ang moh" parents and I was a small kid. They were taking me out. And in another, I was praying with a few joss sticks in my hands. Uneven ones at that. I was praying like the Chinese do when they want to pay respects to ancestors or some sort. I wonder what this could mean?

I took a personality disorder test and here are my results. I really think they're true.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

I took another test for depression. Here are my results...
Disorder
Your Score:

Major Depression:
Slight-Moderate

Dysthymia>:
Slight

Bipolar Disorder:
Extremely High

Cyclothymia:
High

Seasonal Affective Disorder:
Slight

Postpartum Depression:
N/A

By the way, do you realise that I tend to change subject a lot?

Arrgh! I'm kind of being "forced" to join competition again. Why? Because some people pull out of the competition team at the last minute at their own whim and fancy. Leaving us stranded because there is nobody else who can replace them but us. When we are supposedly retired at that! Can't they leave me to rest in peace? Freaking fuzzballs...

And you know what tops the cake? Iffa pulled out and I may have to join the competition. They told me 7 days before the competition. Cool, huh? How am I supposed to prepare myself for the competition in such a short time? At least last year, I had about 1 month. 7 days? You've got to be kidding me...Here's the piece de resistance...Shu Min said "Join lah. Dun worry, you know everything already...Three days train can already..." And she expects us to win. Mdm wouldn't let us pull out of the competition for the world. School and CCA prestige and all that. Don't want to lose the NC title. blah. Why do they never ask Jing Rong who is more experienced? Okay, they have a point there. She can't "downgrade".

But damn you people.

Went bowling today. Supposed to be a class outing but not many people came. Me, Farah, Zheng Xing and Andrew played 3 games and were later joined by Keng Wai, Jia Min, Jing Kai, Eugene and Rong Zhou. Top scorer was Zheng Xing. Damn, do i envy his straight throws. I only got 1 strike out of 3 games. Never mind.

Yesterday was the "moved" concert. Wore an outfit that was simple : sleeveless top, jeans and a cover up that was actually a shawl. I look at everybody going to the concert and they wear such nice clothes that I feel like a dowd. sigh. Everybody "shuai ge" and "chio bu".Never know some people could look so damn good. drool. Class say want to meet but never meet. End up I go myself with Kaveen and Azhar since they also nobody to go with. Man, the class is so not united. Dang you people.

The performance was okay though, but just average. With the exception of the Chinese Orchestra that is... Nice try anyways.

Had a weird-ass dream last night. A dream in a dream in a dream. Imagine that. And all about school no less. Good thing it had my friends in it or I'd probably never wake up again.

I don't want to talk about it. The first weird thing happened before the dream. But I don't want to discuss it for fear of freaking myself out. shudder.

Went to school today after 3 days of MC. Feeling a bit better. Don't ask. Lots of homework piling up. People getting sick. Bleurrgh...

And all the world turned black. The last thing I remember was that I felt very dizzy and that I wanted to get out of the air-con. I told my mother that I really didn't want to go to 7-Eleven. I desperately wanted to get out of the place. Then, I woke up on the floor. I thought that I had just woken up from sleep but I saw some bright lights and a lot of people. I puked out my guts in all its technicolour splendour. It turns out that I had fainted in front of the cashier area. Oh my God, so embarassing...in front of so many people some more...I'm just going to stay right here and moan my misery...I never want to wake up again...