Another day of sian-ness and absolut craziness. When will it ever stop? The more I see that person, the more nervous I become. The more stupid mortifying things I will do. OMOG. Asked Nithya whether she thought I was ugly. She said no. Even though it might be a bit narcississtic, hell, a lot narcississtic, I need to know. A part of me feels insecure. Trapped in the shadows of someone else. You can hit me with tomatoes or whatever you like, but I can't forever just hide under this enveloping shadow. It chokes me. I can't even differentiate whether what I am today is me, or rebelling to get out of that shadow.

Forgive me F****. But I think it is so. From my previous posts, I have ranted and raved about this. Hidden, of course and at the time, unnoticed. I now realise that I knew even then. I know, I know. So drama right? I also realise that unconsciously, I'm looking for someone. I yearn to feel wanted. Nithya has Yoga. Farah has her "unknowns". Syahirah has/had Saini. Me? Don't mention it. Don't remind me, this is unrealistic and would likely keep me off track but I feel left out. I'm having seriously weird thoughts about stuff. It's wrong, but, this is so cliche, I can't help myself.

Whoohoo. Whoop de doo. Due to some unknown cause, I'm feeling fairly irritable and depressed lately. Maybe it's because prelims and "O"s are so near. I'm feeling the strain and I haven't even studied seriously yet. Tears threaten at every possible moment. Wahaha. Help.

So much for class spirit. So far, me and Farah are the only ones going to take pictures for the national day photography competition. The rest of the class just takes people like us for granted. WTF?! At least we tried. Wasted some money in the process; wanted to save, but times of crisis and hunger calls.

It was fun, granted. Got to see a cool indie band with songs I actually like, saw some cute guys, tried to act like I really don't care what people think ( which failed...) and basically up my potential as a loser. We- ell, we can't always have what we want. Speaking of which, I haven't started mugging. Simply do not know what to do with my life. I try to think further than my life right now, and fail miserably. Maybe I need a life compass.

I feel that I have also neglected people I care about, be it friends, family, or some such. I need to make it up, but each day passes like a speeding bullet train: simply too fast for anyone to catch it.

One word. Talentime. Well, it was quite fun actually. I particularly like the last dance group; they were definitely way better than the usual Fatimah, Zarina, Sheila group. That's a first. The bands didn't win though, though I expected at least Sadiq's to get a win. Surprisingly, Azhar's band sucked. The auditions were better. I don't know what the hell they were thinking...Spent my free period help making banners for them too. Still, class spirit or should I say, some people in the class spirit.

Well I guess that's it. So, um, I'm going to stop narcissising now...

"Aku yang kehilangan dalam diri sendiri. Terkurung dalam bayangan mu..." This was my composition assignment for HMT. Translated, it means "Lost in myself. Trapped in your shadow...". Deep, man. This is actually lyrics from a song which was played in class. Got hooked on it now, lolx.

My muscles are so sore, I have hard time everytime I use my legs. Maybe I'm just exaggerating now, but after I had just finished my 5 items, I couldn't walk straight. I'm complaining, aren't I? Seems like a habit I now posses in large quantities to anyone who would hear it. Feeling up and down lately. So in that case, the only thing I can say is "Wheee!"...

My days of freedom are numbered, I can no longer freely skate through my life as a student. I have to act now. Now. NOW! NOW! NOW! (Dr Bailey from Grey's Anatomy...) Everything's turned out shitty. I'm more fu**ed up than usual. I know who Ba Zhang likes and she knows mine. The more I think about it, the more paranoid and weird I become.

Been crying lately. Not over the big stuff, just small little things that poke and prod until you get irritated and upset. Can't help myself. I just can't find myself. At the end of the day, I don't really know who I am. Am I just pretend? Or are my worries and behaviour just not real. Just writing this, I feel fake.

Haha. Reminded myself of the Eugene incident earlier. So funny. The primary school kid started to latch on to his bag and swing around in circles. We didn't know who he was. He just started doing it. Then, when Yoga decided to take a video of it, the friend joined in, punching Eugene. For fun. Whaddehell.

The day of days has finally come. My brother has banned me from using the computer. I guess that it's retribution, for I have always use my so-called "power of authority" to make him let me use the computer. So my fair brother, you do have a manly voice in you. Amazing what being pushed can do. Well, lost my temper yesterday over that and made him cry. If you knew my brother, it's normal. He's like a walking waterfall.

I used to lose my temper often but have changed for the better in the recent year. Now, it's back and with a vengeance. Rearing it's ugly black head. Things are slowly building up to a slow boil. I'm afraid that I won't be able to find what I'm here for.

P.S.> If you're wondering how I got to post this blog, currently, I'm using the school's computer lab. Note to self: Bribe my brother using my unused and relatively new SD card. Or sell it on Yahoo. I might want to use it for extra storage on my mp3 but I guess using the computer is more important. I'll have to get back to you on that.

Burp. Sorry. Too full from tonight's revelry...Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum and all that...Tomorrow is my pesky brother's birthday. So we went to Pizza Hut to celebrate. I even forgot that his b'day was tomorrow. Food was good. Haha. Just kidding, how could I be so insensitive. On second thought, yeah I could...

Hate me today...Hate me tomorrow...Hate me so I can finally get myself over you...

What Type of Person Are You?

The satisfied - The desireless

Not greedy by nature, the Satisfied knows of what they have achieved and earned, and feels content with that. Materialistic impulses happen rarely, if ever, and they don't value possessions and trends nearly as much as most do. The Satisfied usually have a calm personality and tend to be full of care, whether they are open with it or not. Of course they can be selfish, but their selfless nature proceeds that by far.
Downsides are that the Satisfied may be taken advantage of, in the likes of favours per se. It is in their nature to help, and they can be big push-overs when it's about injustice towards themselves. Also, since they don't want to bother their peers and close ones, they keep most of their problems inside. If this builds up they may start to suffer in silence, a completely unnecessary act.
Because they have a hard time to say no, and since people may use them, with time the Satisfied could grow hateful and distrusting. However, it appears now, that they are not. They reckon that some people are bad news and stay away from them. They stay with their own group of trusted people instead. As the Satisfied's name implies, they don't seem to have any dreams or goals. That is a perception not quite true. As any other human being, they do have them. But the difference is, that the Satisfied are content with their life even if the dream would not come true.
Quote:"It is not length of life, but depth of life." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Haha. Took this for fun but it's quite true in a way. I didn't know how to express myself but this aptly describes what I am.

What Do You Need in Your Life?

You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that could never seem too comprehend your personality. Now you have either become an out-cast because of their narrow minds or you have adjusted yourself to them, and never letting them see who you are deep inside. You now think that no one will ever understand you and you hate that fact. Though you are scared of what the effects might be if you would decide to let someone in so you keep a safe distance that you both curse and bless.


I had to do this a few times before I got something different. The previous one was untrue. But this, I guess, is true. I find myself thinking that, yeah, I'm like this.

What is Your Phrase?

"Awake, yet never truly alive, I seek valuation beyond reality"
Life is unfullfilling for you, and you aren't very fond of it. What you like is your own imaginative world, which can be your daydreams, stories you write or anything similar. You always prefer that before the actual life. To people you come off as quite lonesome, and you may wish you had more friends, but you are more of a hoper than someone who takes action. That is how you remain lonely. Or maybe you just don't find anyone who you can relate to. Inside you feel empty, like you are missing something important that you can't quite put a finger on what it is. Somehow you wish to be swept away from the normality and led into something extraordinary. This has yet to happen, and you keep on feeling dissapointed with the little that life has to offer. At least you continue to express yourself through art/writing/poems/daydreaming.


What can I say?...

P.S.> JK, thnx for the idea.

If you can't see the pictures, I blame the whole thing on my brother's damn lagging computer. F&*$!

Haha. Today had Chemistry remedial. Nothing much there. But you know the first thing I saw when I was walking to school. A small piece of paper advertising a restaurant called "Al-Munawwarah". My name! lolx. It brightened up my day somewhat. After Chem, Vidya and I decided to meet at Yishun Library for fun. Met up at 1 o'clock and browsed round. We didn't really do anything much, just read.

Came home. Drank tons of Pepsi. Got mad. Annie Chow is such a liar. For anyone's info, she's a teacher at my old school. She cheated us of $5. My sister went to buy some ticket which were actually $5 each, but she didn't know. My mother gave her $10 to buy 1 ticket and she bought 1 thinking that it was $10. When my sister realised, she didn't give the money back. WTF?! I hate you, you lying *&%$@*.

Whew! What a hot day. Surprising one too. Vidya wore a North Indian bridal costume (Coincidentally Inderpal wore a North Indian groom costume...). I wore a top I borrowed from Joann and jeans. Farah and Syahirah "make-over"ed me, in the hope I would look more nice. Honestly, no amount of make-up is going to do that. Although I secretly hoped that I would dazzle everyone and that I would stop being the un"nice" one for once. Alas, you can't change who you are without losing a part of yourself in the process. I must say, Sharmila and Kai Ling's outfits were downright sexy but a tad too revealing.

I think I'm trying to be who I'm not. I want people to see the real me and like me for who I am, and insecure person that I am, I just cannot. I also feel out of place in here, wherever "here" is. I can't relate to the Malay 4E class, nor can I relate to other people. I'm just not a people person you know. Only real friends get to see what is closer to the real me. I just wish I knew who the real "me" was.

Yay! I passed my 2.4 km during PE. 15:56, baby! But I shouldn't be too complacent. I should work harder in everything I do. Especially my studies.

Tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day and everybody is frantically looking for things to wear. Seems like they are more excited and more prepared for this than school. lolx. So am I for that matter. Got smashed in Chem practical today. Seems like I'm having an off day, an "off-white" day to be exact. Not right white or black gloomy, just a little way off white. My blues are retreating for now, but only to be replaced by unmotivation. There's a certain restlessness in me that surfaces every now and then punctuated by bouts of mild depressive states. I also have a crazy side. Crazy at school. But that's only to chase the blues momentarily away. Figures.

Heard that a few of my classmate are "dating" for RHD. Farah is with Zheng Xing, JIa Min with Sadiq and I'm not sure about the rest. Someone joked that they would pick me. Haha. I get it. Not that I need a date anyway. I'd rather date myself. That way I don't have to hurt myself.

I'm doing it again. God, I can't help myself. I'm in danger of being found out, but that's not the worst of my worries. I'm afraid I'll burn. Burn in the fiery depths of hell. It's not what you might think. I can't tell anyone. I hope I can stop myself.

Hi, it's your unlovely and higly narcissistic blogger. Paradox. That's what I learned that I was today. A bloody freakin' walkin' livin' paradox. I want to be more noticed, but I am ignored. Not ignored per se, just a little distanced. So then, I try to be invisible, but yet someone always picks me out when I least want it. I usually try to be one thing and end up another. Wow.

Everyday, I try to stop myself from succumbing to temptation. But I am powerless to resist. It just gets worse and worse until I give in. I know it will consume me in the end. God help me.

P.S.> I love S.L. Viehl's books but we don't have her freakin' books here! So is Thai VCDs and my freakin audio doen't work!!! WTF!

I'm falling deeper and deeper. Can't see what I'm holding on to. Darkness consumes you from the inside. Reaching...out...

I feel like I am fading. Into the woodwork of another dream. Can't seem to stop these whispers. Keep falling into another sleep. I'm running...

What was once my life, now I cannot leave. I feel like dying...just to feel. Cause my life...seems so unreal...

Sorry, this just popped into my head as a song, so I decided to write it down.

Finally got the CDs from Wei Ying. But. Of course there's always a but. The file can't play. Only after I downloaded some codecs that the video worked. But audio couldn't. Subtitles were a no-go. What a bummer.

Been appointed chem rep. Of all things a chem rep. My life couldn't get more peachy. Just plain freakin' peachy.

Firm, yet soft and sweetly succulent. Mmmm. The best I ever had. It was definitely worth it to eat the Golden Pillow. You know, the bun with steaming curry inside. Truly delicious and satiated my food-hungry soul. That sounded too much like some nonsensical food guide. But it was nice though.

Started on my homework but sadly, I can't follow through. Keep being distracted by other stuff. Just talked to Nithya on MSN yesterday. Feel bad for her as a lot of people asked her to go movies but they bailed out unexpectedly, leaving her in the dust. So I take back my words. It's not her fault. Nowadays I keep sneaking out to watch dramas on Youtube like Tang Pan Kamathep and My Girl. Like I said, I'm a d-addict.

The zest of life is no longer with me. I feel a careless indifference to things in lfe sometimes and I don't know what to do. This is obviously not a good sign as my "O"s are nearing. This could not be a worse time for this attitude to appear. Sure, I enjoy the little things in life like watching TV dramas, movies, read books, eat. But have no grater passion for my future. I feel like I'm just waiting for what happens next. God, help me.

I've kicked a habit of mine a while back but it came back full force. I don't know how to stop myself. I had worked successfully but the voice in me seduced and tempted me to take it up again. And I did. Really, my resistance levels are low. Oh, God.

Yo ho- Yo ho- A pirate's life for me! Just watched Pirates of the Carribean (PotC) with Jing Kai, Sam and Eugene Lew. I thought that many people would be coming but most of them bailed out because they were too tired from going to Jubilant yesterday. As if. What could be tiring in watching a concert? And the most important person didn't come. Why? It's not that the others aren't important, I mean, just that I thought she was coming. It would be so fun. But I think I just got Nithya into trouble because her mother didn't know today was an "off" day.

I met Jing Kai shortly after I arrived at Woodlands but we had to wait half an hour for the rest. We didn't know who was coming so we had to wait a while. When we got tired of waiting, we tried calling people. Most of them cancelled but Eugene and Sam came. I met Suk Lam along the way, also watching PotC. So we watched the movie. It was great. JK, you still owe me $3.50...lolx ( you can take your time...).

I went for the movie dressed like the part, complete with boots. I really did look piratey. Sort of like Orlando Bloom's costume in the first movie. Except more femal and uglier. Too bad no free admission for lost cast and crew of PotC. It was my best oufit to date. Too bad I couldn't share it in a picture or with gal pals. I must admit though that JK did look quite cool. I asked him to go lean against a wall or something and act cool.

It's me again. Now the topic of discussion today is sexual orientation. For some reason, I think I might be a bisexual. Don't tell anyone I said this because I need to ascertain for myself who I am and what I'm meant to be. I had read an article once about gay muslims. Actually, we're not supposed to be. But if God created us this way, then why is it not accepted. I thought all of God's creation has a reason and none are to be shunned. I'm kind of not sure of myself right now.

I am starting to have a short term memory. I can only remember recent, big or meaningful events in my life. I don't remember much. I wonder why.

And Yoga and Nithya are quite lovey dovey these days (not like they have ever not been that way...). But it disconcerts me. Are they going too fast? I guess if that they feel comfortable, then it's okay with me. Just don't do the "down and dirty". I had a bit of conversation about marriage and sex and stuff. It left me a bit worried.

My secret's threatening to be leaked. I can't save myself. But then, I might be overrating myself. I know I'm not pretty, sexy, slim or even witty. I'm not popular, stylish or clever. I'm just nobody. How I look with envy at my friends.

Today is a bad day. Got my shirt splashed with gado gado sauce, accidentally called a teacher sucked (I was talking about another teacher but she came by...I was saying "this teacher sucks" but about someone else...) and a multitude of other things. My secrets about to be leaked out and I will be teased for all time. I knew I shoudn't have said it...

Other than the usual suspects, I haven't done anything so much lately. Haven't done my homework, or any revision. Currently, I'm just trying to watchj dramas and read a book. As well as convince myself that I shouldn't be checking out guys or pretending that I'm remotely nice enough to see. Well, I'm getting more and more paranoid these days. I keep thinking that there's someone behind me or watching me when there actually nobody. Is that crazy or what?

Well, I saw fireworks on Saturday beacuse of the American 4th of July celebrations, like they do every year. A splendid sight it was. And just yesterday I wore a tudung since in a long time. Surprised huh? I went to Mustafa Centre because I had never been there before. So many things. If I had the money and were as rich as Croesus (or at least an Arab oil tycoon...), I would have bought out the store. I especially like the antique and wood section. There were those lovely wooden screens and chests. I could be a interior designer just so I can buy these things with people's money. And there were these lovely fake wigs. I'm thinking of buying one so I can play tricks on people.

Yesterday I went swimming with Sharmila and Farah at Woodland Swimming Complex. Sharmila was late, as usual. Changed late, as usual. But we did have some fun there. Like a girls' day out. Secrets were spilled. My secrets, mostly. I have never spilled secrets about anyone I like since I started secondary school. Never ever. Even to my closest friends. What I spilled was sort of true, sort of untrue. I said that I like Syazwan and Tommy. But they were kind of unattainable. Or their attitudes turned me off. Don't tell okay. My life is complicated as it is without these kind of things biting me in the ass. Which I know someone will spread. Geez.

Well, Farah wore a swimsuit, Sharmila a halter and shorts set and me...my surfer togs. I should have brought along my camera to take pictures and show them to who else? Ernie, lah. I felt so out of place when I first met up with them as they were wearing such nice clothes. I was wearing what was comfortable. Which didn't exactly mean fashionable, except for my customised shoes. All in all, we had a quite fun time. Except for my cramp. I had it in the middle of the pool. They had to tow me back to the edge of the pool, by then, it had already disappeared. Almost. It still hurts though.

Oh, and yeah. I found out some other stuff like that Sharmila had been possessed before and how the "thing" bugged her and still does if she ever did something wrong. Maybe it was protecting her or something. Maybe it was an admirer...Oooo. Well, the subject came to boys and sex and quite a few other things. We did see a cutie. Sharmila was waving at him, but I think the father "perasan" only and think that we were waving and talking about him. As if. I think I talked about things I had never talked about before. Really intimate things. Well...

Yesterday I went swimming with Sharmila and Farah at Woodland Swimming Complex. Sharmila was late, as usual. Changed late, as usual. But we did have some fun there. Like a girls' day out. Secrets were spilled. My secrets, mostly. I have never spilled secrets about anyone I like since I started secondary school. Never ever. Even to my closest friends. What I spilled was sort of true, sort of untrue. I said that I like Syazwan and Tommy. But they were kind of unattainable. Or their attitudes turned me off. Don't tell okay. My life is complicated as it is without these kind of things biting me in the ass. Which I know someone will spread. Geez.

Well, Farah wore a swimsuit, Sharmila a halter and shorts set and me...my surfer togs. I should have brought along my camera to take pictures and show them to who else? Ernie, lah. I felt so out of place when I first met up with them as they were wearing such nice clothes. I was wearing what was comfortable. Which didn't exactly mean fashionable, except for my customised shoes. All in all, we had a quite fun time. Except for my cramp. I had it in the middle of the pool. They had to tow me back to the edge of the pool, by then, it had already disappeared. Almost. It still hurts though.

Oh, and yeah. I found out some other stuff like that Sharmila had been possessed before and how the "thing" bugged her and still does if she ever did something wrong. Maybe it was protecting her or something. Maybe it was an admirer...Oooo. Well, the subject came to boys and sex and quite a few other things. We did see a cutie. Sharmila was waving at him, but I think the father "perasan" only and think that we were waving and talking about him. As if. I think I talked about things I had never talked about before. Really intimate things. Well...

P.S. Someone forgot their underpants and it wasn't me. Guess what they did when they wanted to change back? wink*