Broke my earphones today. The black earpiece snapped off as I was entering the MRT entry gate. Fuck. And I just bought it too. What only. lolx.

I'm getting more and more paranoid lately. Got this weird feeling like there is someone watching me, which is utter bullshit. I'm haunting myself. Grr. I'm half expecting something to pop out and I'd scream my head off.

Haven't started studying yet. And prelims are the following week. OMG! Shit, man. I feel like my life is meaningless and I keep doing nothing about it cos' I take things for granted. Damn, myself.

Today, went to school with Joann in a taxi, we had to carry a lot of stuff and it was raining. In charge of the drinks. Nothing much to say. I'm damn fed up and depressed.

Tch. Yeah, it's always me. Me. Me. Me. My fault. I'm sick and tired of it. Being the eldest doesn't mean I have to shoulder all the responsibility. This sucks.

English prelim today. Okay lah, quite easy. Except for certain questions. The kitten was in our class today, shit and all. One funny part was that it was snuggling in Farah's cleavage, hah! It even pawed Yus's moob (man boob, if you must know...). Oh my God! Hilarious. The cat so horny...

Today is my mum's birthday. Overslept just now, she almost came back before I woke up. Haven't order pizza yet, then she come back in a blue funk. WTH?! Everybody was in a state of tension. Birthday also want to be angry. Finally I called Oishii! Pizza. First time I call pizza delivery by myself. Pizza delivery "virgin". hah. Now not "virgin" anymore. lolx. The pizza quite nice, but a bit weird. Every one of my siblings chipped in $10, tomorrow also I also have to pay for teacher's day party, now I "pokai" already...

Being crazy today. Jump around and do weird stuff. Even the normally crazy people call me crazy. I dunno lah. See all the lah, lor, lah come out. Went Bk and ate student meal shared with Sya. Got this stupid yellow light in the area we were sitting in. Gave me a damn headache, so yellow. It's like I was stuck in a stupid twilight zone or an old detective movie. Except the movie so old that the thing turn yellow instead.

Went to meet Farah outside school to collect my Bio file that I had requested for her to pass to me. Instead saw a whole bunch of people, namely Peng Yong, Sandy, Qixia, Eugene Lew, Rong Zhou and...(did I miss anybody?). Apparently, they had found a kitten and were going to Chong Pang to buy cat food. It was so darned cute. Halfway, some of us parted ways and it started raining heavily. Rong Zhou protectively sheltered the kitten. Aww.

Puasa-ing today. The temptation of food and free time is calling me, but alas I cannot. Except for the free time part. Going over MNKSS again. All my favourite parts. Like this, I'm never going to end. Somebody,stop me!

Been talking to Eugene lately over MSN. I feel that we shared some of our inside thoughts over this conversation. I'm not going to say anything since it's private so you won't get so much as a peep out of me. hah. I just wanna say that he's actually a good friend. Maybe sometimes you don't think so, but when you really need him, he's there.

I hate my body. Well, not hate exactly. More of a strong dislike of the non-conformation of it to the ideal female form. Ha. pssh. Nothing much today. Only a steady incoming flood of mock papers or past year papers. pssh. How am I supposed to finish everything? pssh.

Finally, they shut up. Maybe it's because I shouted for them to. They have been karaoke-ing since yesterday, and the wedding reception or jemputan was only today. It was fine yesterday but it got unbearably loud today. It was like they wanted to hold a mini-concert for wedding singers or something. sheesh. Even my parents were complaining. So my sisters and I, we went up to the 9th floor to shout back. It was my idea. Suha counted to three, then we shouted "bising lah!" (noisy lah!). Or rather only I shouted. So pai seh. Then, we ducked and run away giggling. At first, they got a bit louder. Then stopped and sang again, softly this time. After a while, they stopped totally. Mission accomplished!

Flipped through my old photo album today. Saw pictures of my late grandfather. I swear there was something in my eyes. Tears. So long have I not cried over this. It feels strange to think about him again. I guess they don't really fade away.

Hormones for auction. Any takers. Man, my hormones are raging again. Damn, you fine-lookin' pieces of male! Damned distractions. Fine. I can't attract any anyways. So what? Okay, okay, I do care...

Hearing loud caterwauling from the jemputan next block. So many relatives. For some reason, I don't like Malay weddings even though I'm Malay myself. Too many people, too loud.

Watching Goong again. Bits of it. Remembering why I wanted to watch it. So impatient that I fast forwarded some bits. Behaving erratically again...

Oh my God! I'm at it again. One word. Goong...

Me again. Still alive and "healthy", I see. Still can't get over My Lovely Samsoon (..I prefer saying My Name is Kim Sam Soon). Okay, enough of that, before I start obsessing again. Oh my gosh. The 'O's. They inch nearer and nearer. And the more I can't believe it's going to happen.

Heard something from Nithya a few days back. It really put her relationship with Yoga into perspective. I was totally freaked out and at the same time morbidly fascinated by it. I guess you know what that could mean. I won't speculate it but some parts of it shocked me to the core. Now, everytime I look at Yoga, I will feel a bit disgusted. A bit. But not totally. Okay, I should probably stop right now...

Finally, in the midst of the wee hours of the morning, I have completed my current obsession. My Lovely Samsoon, which is showing on TV. I couldn't wait so here I am. All 16 episodes finished. I have to say that it was really touching and I highly recommend it to everyone. Arrrgh! So far, it's the only drama that I have finished watching on Youtube. Still have half-finished stuff, but it will have to wait until after 'O's. Now, I won't have any excuse anymore. But having finished this, I feel like I can't watch the TV one because of the time lapse. I keep wanting to spoil my mother and sisters mood when watching cos' I know what will happen. I cannot help it. lolx.

Going to puasa again. But I don't really feel like it. Got Chem tomorrow. I mean, today. Later. sigh. Haven't finished my Chem because I was watching sam soon. But it's really funny and addictive. I'm a drama junkie. So sue me.

1. sam soon + jin hyun must pretend date for 100 years
2. jin hyun will lend 100 uhk to sam soon
3. skinship is GOOd!

I can't help but think of the mountain scene! Aargh! So sweet!!! I keep replaying the scene like for so many times. On eps. 13 already. Aargh! -"I am Kim Hee Jin! Not Kim Sam Soon! Sam Shik! Sam Shik! It's over!"- She climbed to the top and shouted in the rain. When she climb up so funny, cursing Sam Shik. Then, he suddenly appear, he said "Why you never climb earlier. I've been waiting so long". She thought it's just an illusion, so he said "What? You were just calling my name, now you're pretending not to know me?" Aigoo...So funny...The next part is good, but I won't tell you. Pbphh! Skinship is good! * burst into girlish giggles* shudder...

Lately, I've been getting more paranoid about "stuff". Seventh month stuff. And goin crazy at the same time. It just gives me the creeps. Stupid thought also crowd my head. Like plots for dramas and other stuff. Okay, I'm talking crap. Crap. I'd better stop before I get verbal diarrhoea...

Chem practical yesterday was killer. It wasn't non-doable, more like unprepared nad nervousness caused. I don't want to talk about it. *hangs head in shame* Well, tried to go to a haunted house yesterday too. With Wei Xiong, Diana and Sya. Before we went to the block, Sya called her boyfriend and said that if she did not come back to school today, something had happened to her. He still can joke that she was already "possessed" cos' she was making this call. In the end, we didn't go because we weren't sure which block it was. I'm sure it was a hoax though. We didn't see any possible haunts. All got people. I mean, real people. We were too chicken anyway so we went hawker centre chit-chat about "other-worldly" encounters, while eating. Diana and Sya shared some previous "experiences". Wei Xiong almost choked on his food. lolx.

Had to wait outside the house for quite some time. Almost fell asleep. When I got up from the couch outside, I saw two wide eyes looking at me from in between the sofa crack. So scary. Then I realised that it was a cat, kitten to be exact. The poor thing didn't know where to go and could not find its way back...

Chem practical tomorrow. Bummer. Went to study at Woodlands Library (actually, halfway only...), go Popular instead of HMT. Bummer. Acted like a total freak in front of guys who don't even know I exist. Bummer. Bummer. Bummer. Like, dude?

I didn't succumb to the temptation of food (though I debated over it...). Watching My Name is Kim Sam Soon episode 6 now. The TV one so slow. But the kiss in episode 6 was so-... So-... Well, I can't describe it. *hearts* And that cockroach/kiss scene was damn funny! Obviously, I'm sleeping late and not studying. Haha. Down the rabbit hole. That's me (well, more like down the toilet bowl...lolx) Spiraling down into the "murky" depths. lolx.

Technically, now is today which is Monday which is the day of the Physics practical. Wish me luck and a good memory. Or at least a calm head. It looks like it's easy but I'm sure it's not. So wish me knowledge and I'll be off to dreamland, then.

Well, here I am. About to start my first day of "pay back". 15 minutes more to go.Been watching late-night K-drama marathons lately. Now it's My Lovely Samsoon or My Name is Kim Sam Soon. It's funny at time but it's sad, really.Can't seem to finish what I started, always. I watch them, feel guilty about not studying and then stop. Watch again, feel guilty, stop. At the rate I'm going, I might as well had tried to watch it straight. sigh. *heave*. sigh. Physics practical is tomorrow and Chem the following day. Lucky that I finished my books before I could get too distracted (as if I'm not already so distracted...). Got to my old speed again. One book in less than a day. Aja! Fighting~

My pulse races, my heart beats faster, creating a hollow thud in the cavity of my chest. What is this feeling? Everytime I go near, I am afflicted. What am I referring to? The infamous teenage crush. Oh, how I wish I wasn't afflicted with this "disease"? It seems so alien and foreign, but there for as long as I remember. Is there a need for attraction? The inevitable giddy rush in our veins. Okay, okay, I'm waxing lyrical already. Sheesh. See what it's done to me? How I wish I could stop it, but it is a force of nature to be reckoned with...

Yeah, it's late. But I feel the need to write. And do my last-minute Chem papers. sigh. I've been thinking of "paying back" my puasa. Puasa is almost upon us and I haven't "paid back" yet. I feel like I'm cheating myself. I am not so religious but I want to be. You know, like to live my life really and fully as a Muslim. I kinda feel guilty cos' everytime I want to start, it seems hard for me. I'm sharing a privete and personal thing, you have to understand. I could have made my thoughts private but I feel better when I feel like I'm writing to someone, not a computer. I can't take this guilt. It's overwhelming. If I die before I can repent, I will die a sinner and I am afraid of what is to come...

Had Bio prctical today. Locked up for a few hour, so sleepy. After that, I still had to go for my 'O' EL oral. Man, did I ever screw that up. OMG. -all i wanted from you, was something you'd never do- I feel like I'm constantly putting on a show. Everything I do. Everything I think. I'm a fraud. Even now. I feel like I'm trying to impress somebody but I dunno who. I keep saying I'm helpless but the fact is that I won't look at myself and do something because I am afraid that it will turn out wrong. I always tend not to ever do or start something unless I know I can do it right (which is not often...). -So let me in...-

Well, I think I'm getting either more paranoid or just plain ol' crazy. I keep thinking that someone likes me. I dunno whether that is true but I think I "perasantan" only. Shiok sendiri, some may call it. And I'm getting more obsessed with the "ideal" body shape. I keep looking at all those skinny sticks on the road and then I turn green. Very green. Hulk green. I SMASH! I BASH! The more I think about it, the more I go crazy. Not entirely about the body thing but just about everything. The prelims, the 'O's, the insanity of being a hormonal teenager with crushes and goodness knowa what else. Sometimes I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't concentrate properly nowadays. So much so that just now I stood at the entry gate at the MRT for some time before I realised that the gate was open. BOdoh! I keep yawning and I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how long.

I just hate this. I can't seem to find God anymore. I've lost my sense of religion. I've lost the meaning of life. Sometimes, I think about what I'm supposed to do in my life and what my purpose in living is. The answer is bleak. It seems like I'm the only one living in a standstill while the rest of the world is whizzing by. I dunno. I wish that I could immerse myself in else to stop feeling this way. The tiny fragments of time where I can actually feel my life are so brief and shortlived. God help me should I die cos' the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Went to the much talked about NLB book sale. Nothing much though. The English adult fiction section was mainly bare. Those that were there were either old, damaged, not my type or ones that I have read before. What a bummer.

After we visited the Indonesia product sale, we got on the train, intending to go somewhere and eat but was undecided. Then I mentioned the place featured on today's Suria Segar. Some Korean halal fast food joint. ZingDo, I think. Ended up eating Beef and Chiken Garlic Bulgogi Set Meal that was on offer. They brought the hotplate and "cooked" the meat in front of you. I like it with the chilli sauce. Mmmm. Saw a $3 sale and a clothes, bag, whatever thing fair. Bought something for my sis.

Nothing else interesting I would say. My life in a nutshell is...uneventful. At least, it seems so. I can imagine my life, the way I want it, a few years from now. Just not in the immediate future like my 'O's. Why?!

Been weird of lately. Dunno what I'm doing also. Chem today was dry and I was unattentive throughout. My mind keeps wandering every time I do something. I am restless. hmmph. See the irony? eternallyrestless.blogspot.com. eternally. restless. 12 weeks to 'O's and I still am fooling around. Watching anime on Youtube. haha. I just don't know...

I am now in a pre-menstrual hyper drive. Since there is post-menstrual(PMS) there should be present and pre- right? That said, when do women ever get "normal"? I guess not, that's why women are so hard to understand: as defined by men, of course.

A few things happened today:

1. Japanese and Taiwanese students visited our school
and did a performance to which our school screamed like people gone mad. (I still feel a little deaf in one ear thanks to Wen Xin...)

2. I got to eat pizza today. Ms. Toh and Mr. De Roza footed the bill. Uwa!

3. We won for the photography competition. I was saying that we wouldn't win. But then, we did! OMG! (This is one of the reasons why we got to eat pizza, plus winnings at volleyball and...)

4. June 'O' level MT results were out. There was a high % of Malay A1s. Mdm Hartini lah. (...this is another reason.)

Well, hahaha...

Been eating a lot lately. Also every time I start to do my Physics or revision, inevitably I start to fall asleep. Correction: I stay asleep. Dunno how many times I sleep but I'm still sleepy. Whaddefaa?! From my drama obsessions, I now turn to manga obsessions. Can't concentrate. Need. to. eat....

Me again, who else could it be? Was cleaning out my old bags today. Saw losts of silverfish and a few years worth of junk. Found something special and unexpected though. At first I though it was an old sweet, round, small and white. So I squished it for the fun of it. But then, it cracked and pus-like gooey stuff started to come out. There was something inside. EwW! Examined it and found it to be a cicak's egg. Got a small embryo inside. For those who don't know, cicak is gecko. You know the one running around your house? The egg looked too big for cicaks. But what the hey, people stretch their vaginas impossibly to give birth so I guess it's no biggie...btw, I'm planning to hatch two others I found. As sort of a bio project...

Half-day today! V-ball today. End up I played only half a set. We won Guys 1st. Amazing thing was that we walk over some of the girls teams cos 5N1 not there. Got into the semis. And we didn't even play a single game yet. Went to SAFRA to follow Jing Kai, Woei Ming, Rama, Yoga and Nithya. In the end, the Lan gaming trip was cancelled so we went our separate ways to have lunch. Me, JK and Nithya went to Northpoint. End up we met Rama and Woei Ming later at NP also, they went coffeeshop to eat before that. Well, Yoga and Nithya were pointedly ignoring each other the whole way. I dunno. Nobody bothers to tell me anything vital. I guess thay had a tiff.

Today is my parent's anniversary. Ate at Lestari. Supposedly we were to foot the bill, but as you know I'm hopelessly broke, so there you are. My two smallest pesky siblings didn't pay. Whaddehell? They are more richer than me.

Another day in my life. Heard something today when we was doing mock English compo. About Farah. And Azhar. Yus teased Azhar about Farah being the girl he loved and that he liked her legs or something. Someone chimed in speculating about what he liked about her. Then I think he said he only liked her physique. I think. lolx.

Yay! Found the book that I've searching for these past few weeks. Once I read an excerpt of a book and I like it, I will hunt down the book till I get it. Un less it's not at the library. Then, i just complain at my blog. Like here. Been library-hopping just to look at the book. Finally, unexpectedly, it's there. And I wasn't really searching. Wow. Looks like my patience has paid off. I deliberately stopped myself from reserving it just to save money.

Oh yeah, why do I find myself eating chocolates nowadays?

I take back my words. Although it was technically still canteen food, it was nice. We even got lollipops and durian (don't ask me why...). I went with Shu Min, Mun Yee and Jing Rong by cab to Sembawang Park. Shu Min paid the fare beacuse she was the one who caused us to be late (she was still baking her cookies...promised us that we would take taxi if she was late). Went there. Got greeted. Then we saw the sandcastles they made for us. Names in the sand. Mine was so nice. I was so touched I was speechless.

In summary, food was good, the dances were fun and we had a good time, if not a bit unspecial. They told us that we only have the official stepping down in November. So long. I can't wait. Anyways, happy birthday to Syahirah and Jing Rong!

The next thing I'm about to say is quite opposite. It's grim and scary. Saw a VCD about ghosts. Really, you can even see the "face" of the ghost. So scary. And it's real. They even "close up" the thing. OMG! Masya allah! And it's the seventh month. I'm never going to sleep like this...

Went to help buy stuff for the Yong-En hamper. Still haven't paid my $3. hehe. How I wish I was drunk. Incapacitated maybe. So that I wouldn't have to face the world. Found out some things about a friend that makes me wonderwhether I really know her. Time passes by very fast. These past few weeks seem like a few days. How long is my day anyway? Do I make sense?

Guess what I found out today? The step down party is not really like a party for us. I found out that the activity is hiking to Sembawang Park, eat canteen food, play games. That's it?! After I found out in my previous post that they were going to serve canteen food, I was like, "wHat?!". So okay, nevermind. Maybe I can just have a look see, but I'm terribly disappointed with them. No respect. Then I heard they change to not canteen food. Then they go back again. They didn't even tell me about it. No invite, no message. I only found out from Shu Min all of the info. Now this? I'm too mad too write some more. All I can say is "WhaDdefaa?!!!!!!"

Mock, mock, mock. Nowadays it's just mock papers after mock papers. How can I study when I keep falling asleep everytime I open my textbooks? What a dilemma. Speaking of which, I now have no time to watch dramas. The ones that Wei Ying lent me are left untouched. You know how heartbreaking it is for me? And what's up with my hormones nowaday, running rampant like goodness knows what? Being a teenager is stressful...blah blah blah blah blagh

Whaaddefaa?! The step down BBQ is cancelled! Oh my GOd! Why? It's not that I mind. Maybe Mr Thiru and Mdm Hartini were right; a three-hour BBQ is not enough. Something else maybe. But to actually suggest having canteen food take-away as food? Now that's just plain insulting. I can just buy for myself at the canteen. At least cook at home and bring back or something. This is totally ridiculous. If they really do this, I'm boycotting this gig. No respect at all! In the past years, we did nice things. Sentosa lah, BBQ lah. NOw this? Whaddefaa?!