My right foot these days is damn suay.
It has had a skateboard falling on it, a metal piece making a cut in it, been knocked around by various household objects...
I shudder to think what will happen next.

I still can walk, it's not that serious. But it hurt like hell when it was happening.
haha.

oh well.
Stuff like this always happens to me.
@_@

I haven't been blogging about the B5 outing to the "Bridge to Nowhere" and the NMLZ bowling and buka puasa outing. Cos' my mood these past few weeks isn't very encouraging. So I'll hold it til I feel more...
...Happy.

#@#%$*&%^$@$

Everything I bloody do is bloody damn wrong.
Even when I try to do it the bloody damn right way.
Sometimes, I don't even try anymore.

But it still stings, when I bloody try and it freaking bloody isn't right.

It hurts.

I can't even be myself around me any more. Having 6 people in a house and 5 rooms means that I can't have a space for me to be myself. Away from prying eyes. Short of going out the door, I have no privacy let my emotions through. This is freaking killing me.

I'm tired of suppressing my tears.

Of feeling like I don't have a life.

I just wish there could be more to life than this.

Because if I were to die today, tomorrow, or the next...
This life isn't going to get me anywhere.

Aw, heck. I've done wrong on so many counts.

I just want to say that my sis is not at fault. She does help out alot at home, when she isn't out and about. But when she is, it's another story. I'm not exactly a busy bee either. So don't get any funny ideas about the situation.

I would also like to shoutout to Farah who sent me a very encouraging and sweet email. I did laugh at some of the things you said (plus that very old pic of us). Love ya, babe. (I know you're reading this. *wink*)

And also to Zuu, for the sweet comment!

Well, bugger it.

I'm gonna let it out. There's no use suppressing my feelings if I'm gonna feel so depressed all the time because of it.

I hate being the eldest.

I hate staying at home. (well, not necessarily but I HATE always being the one who is always "counted" the be home early, even when I was schooling...) Since it's the holidays, I have nothing much to do and is ALWAYS the one at home. I want to work but what will happen to the house? Who will cook for "buka puase"? I know it sounds conceited, but it's true. Everybody else gets home late. Even if they are home early, do you think my brother and sister will ever cook?

They won't.

They won't even clean the house. Even when they were on school break. Now, I'm mostly left all alone to clean the damn house before raye.

It's not that I don't like to help clean the house or anything. It's just that why is it always up to me to do it on my own? Why am I always left alone?

My other sister always comes back home late. School or no school. And I hate it. I don't mean to say bad things but this hurts me too. I know I don't have a CCA to go to, which is why I'm mostly home and early. I know you are pursuing what you like now, in the musical. I even feel kinda happy cos' you found something that lets you express yourself. It irritates you a little about the casting and such but you mostly like it, I think. You wonder why mama doesn't approve of you doing this. Of you doing the musical. It's not because she doesn't want you to do what you love.

It's because you always come home late and rarely call back. We have to call you to know what time you're finishing.

I know you don't like being cooped up in the house and the responsibility. Who would? Which is why you say you'd rather be out there and would always try and prolong the time outside. To come home later. Because you feel stifled.

But what about me?

Do I not feel the same? Especially more so when you do this? I'm left with the responsibility of the house. I can't trust the other siblings to take care of the house as far as I can throw them.

You ALWAYS go out. Is it because everybody always knows and sees me at home, that they think I'll always be there? Be here waiting?

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on earth I could be"

It's not that I can't go out if I want to. But you all leave me with a responsibility that I have to shoulder. I feel guilty even not doing something, or not well enough. I feel guilty even writing this. I don't want to pull you away from what you love and make you feel held back.

I feel selfish as well. That I even feel this way.

But I feel miserable. Sometimes, I can't control myself.

I feel angry and frustrated.

But now, even as I type, I feel an unbearable sadness. I feel emotionally drained, trying not to feel selfish when I get frustrated. Trying to not feel self-pity or anything like that.

But it hurts me when I hear you say to me you feel stifled being cooped up, that you feel free outside.

When you ask "What's wrong with doing the musical?" to mama when she's disapproving, and then turn to me for support, I give it to you sincerely, albeit mumbled halfheartedly as my heart breaks inside. There's nothing wrong in doing it. There's just that something else.

I show my frustration and anger sometimes. If I feel angry, I will show it. I'm not the type that can hide anger easily and I also have a short fuse. But this situation is driving me crazy.

I feel better letting it out. But also, worse.
Cos' if you read this, I would have made you feel just as bad.

I know you all sort of take me for granted, a little.

But I'm not gonna be able to take this for long.

...So if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be...

I'll be at that special place my heart longs to be.

It's not worth putting up my intended post because it's too damn stressful that it's giving me grief.

Damn it.

I've bought my mp4!!!

(you do realise that I almost always use a very theatrical statement to begin my blog entries...)

Anyways, I bought it on Monday at AMK Courts. Been eyeing it since last week. Who wouldn't? 3.5 in screen, 4 GB at only $159.

But, there were some problems with it at first. I couldn't play any file I put inside the mp4, even when it was in the right file format. I thought I had a defective player. My initial excitement turned into a kind of melancholy. But later, I found out what was wrong. Long story...

Now, I can't get my eyes off the player. I'm either downloading something onto it or watching it. hah. :D

I got conned today.

By Ms Lee.

Of all the people.

#_#

She called me yesterday to ask if I would come to the Innovation "briefing" today. I said yes, because I had wanted to go anyways. Then, I found out that it wasn't really a briefing at all. You're supposed to hand over a proposal. Today.

Well, I think it's okay, cos I already had a few ideas. Some my own and some inspired by my sister. I got paired up with AlexZz to form a team cos' Zuu didn't come. #_#.
ZUUUU, sampai hati you.

lulz.

Our mentor for today was Daniel, who is quite innovative himself, by the way. He processed our ideas and thoughts and even suggested new angle and ideas. We went somewhere to discuss and do up the proposal. Once we got the gist of it and wrote it down onto the form, we were done. We handed the form over to him and he said he would help us with the proposal. He said would help us with the drawing of the proposal and would hand it in for us. We could go home early. You rock! :D

But I'm not gonna divulge what idea we're doing here.

The internet isn't safe.

;P

Ha. Almost finished my studded leather outfit. Though it looks quite crude now. Needs more refining. But I'm quite proud of myself. lols. *coughconceitcough* *coughhackcoughconceit*

The shirt was made of a $5 long-sleeved men's shirt I bought at Song & Song and modified. (needs more though) The pants were a turquoise skinny jeans that I dyed a darker shade to a dark blue-green. (Yes, I finally got the right colour dye. ;p) The white vest I already have, but I still need to do some more modding on that one.The choker thing I have also but in a bluer shade. All I need now is the belt, boots and the pouch. :D

If I can, I'll post pics up soon.