Exams are over. But somehow I don't really feel like celebrating. My exams sucked, suffice to say. I didn't really study. Even if I did, I didn't think it helped much. What can I say? You reap what you sow, man. I don't think I feel the full extent of the panic I should be feeling in this event. Supp papers. Failing. If.

Well the last day of school was bittersweet. We didn't really spend much time together. No long goodbyes and stuff. But it was still okay. Well, I'm gonna miss everybody.

Well, Bmic is over. 1 down, 3 more to go. In any case, I haven't studied. AAAAAAA!

There have been lots of things going on. I sold off the checkered bag. yay! And another sale is pending today. I shan't say what in case it doesn't go well. I hope to sell some things to generate some income... @_@ haha.

I miss the old times.

There have been lot of things that has happened this week that I couldn't find the time to blog about. But the most saddest thing that happened was on V-day.

No, it didn't involve professions of love or anything like that. It involved something far more serious and heartbreaking than that. Life and death? You could say so.


But it really is sad to see someone or rather, something, die, in front of your eyes. I was going to school and was at the bus stop when I saw a stray dog that was attempting to cross the road some distance away. At first, before I saw that it was trying to cross, I thought it was going to come near the bus stop and I hope at that time that it did not. But I did feel worried when it wanted to cross. It was scared a little by the cars passing and I prayed that it would wait until the cars had gone away. I was lucky, but only then.


I couldn't see over to the opposite side of the road because of the fence. But somehow, just before the crash, I had a feeling something bad was going to happen. I was afraid that it would get hit at the other side. Then I heard a weird sound. And something like some large thing had banged into metal. I almost knew then that it happened. And it had. Though I could not see over the fence. Part of the fence's bushes had sparse areas and I could make out a brown shape.
Then some Indian guys went over to divert the traffic, the kind souls. I don't know if they called the police or somebody but it sure seemed like a long time. I didn't get to see if the dog was okay as the bus had arrived. Or even if it was alive.


I think it didn't. The lorry that hit it was moving quite fast and just sped off. Heartless animals. They don't even deserve to be called animals. They just "OI!" ed and went off. The hell. I kept trying to get a glimpse of the dog - due to concern as well as curiosity. There was one girl that was standing just at the opposite traffic light at that time, and I supposed she got a good view of the crash. It was right in front of her. When she crossed over to my side of the road and was at the bus stop, I was amazed that she didn't appear to be feeling anything. Anything at all. Maybe, I'm overreacting and she saw that the dog was still alive. But then again, how could you not be affected by a crash like that. The dog was even further away from the point of crash because of that damned speeding lorry. Idiots.

I let the thoughts fester in my head
Cold and unkind
Release my inhibitions instead
To find the answer so clearly in my mind

Immaturity speaks without thought
I speak with reservations
Lest blood get spilled
Killing

Always have I shrunk with fear
When will I ever be brave enough
To face myself

I lose all sense and time
Sinking deeper into my own mind
Release me from these thoughts of mine.

I probably should hide under a rock and not emerge. Ever. I feel so bad. SO guilty. And yet I can't seem to stop the anger that swells in my chest at the same time. I try to understand.

You obviously must be very busy what with ASC and your U-theatre. Plus it's CNY season. But you pushed almost everything to me. "I'm really really busy. Sorry. Can you do this?" What could I say? Anyways, you are a friend and therefore I couldn't not help right? But you kept on pushing and pushing saying you had U-theatre and you had to study also. Then me? I don't have to study is it? I tried to figure out what to put where. Figures. Balance sheet. Edit again. Not realistic. Edit again. Til the wee hours in the morning finishing this stupid crap. Then you rushed away yet again. Everytime, you ask me "Are you ok? Can you do it? So sorry.". Yet you never tell me why. Maybe I could understand if you'll only tell me. I'm floundering with finances, I don't even know POA. And I'm like WTF?! Okay, Joshua is a gone case. Wu Ye is absent most of the time and only did the initial income sheet. The rest we all had to discuss over MSN. I try not to be angry. But I can't. The breaking point was yesterday night where we absolutely had to rush to finish for today's presentation. I thought, maybe you could do the powerpoint, but Ryan had to do that instead. You did help a bit, I know you had guests over. BUT THIS WAS OUR CRUCIAL POINT! We had to finish or die for MOE. You kept leaving the main conversation. You had solo convos with me to ask the dreaded questions again. You asked me, am I ok, did you give me too much to do? SO I said YES. And left. You asked me that question and I answered.

I was truly very pissed off. Even the sight of that popup window pissed me off. I couldn't take it. So I just did what I could to finish the project with Ryan until the wee hours of the morning. I only gave up at 4.30 am. Yes, YES, I sound like a damned martyr. Maybe I'm just trying to get attention, you think. Self-serving. I don't give a damn. This is MY blog so get the hell away if you know what's good for you. I certainly am not.

This morning, I ignored you when we usually would have met beforehand. I knew you called my name but I chose to ignore it. The sight of your face angered me more than I could bear. All those feelings came back again. Maybe I exaggerated a little. But I wanted to let you know you couldn't pretend there was nothing wrong. I know you feel bad cos' Zuu heard you say so. But you didn't even see fit to tell me about any problems. I'm ignoring you now, cos I can't keep saying to your face that it's ok when I'm cursing and ranting inside. Just like I am now.

I'm planning to say sorry. But til then, stay away from the likes of me. I'm losing too much of myself.

I don't know why I've been feeling this way but...

I feel like everybody's secretly laughing at me. Everywhere I turn. Maybe I'm conceited, maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm right.

Or maybe I'm just high on sugar.

Everything's been going wonky these days.

Yesterday, just as I was going down the stairs that led to the TP bus stop, the sole of one of my formal black shoes came apart. I was like @_@. Then I frantically called Nadiah. I don't know why cos' I she was still at school and I don't think she could have helped me in any case - even I didn't know what to do. But still, it was nice to call a friend for help. I thought of just pulling the sole out since most of it had come off anyways. But then I had an inspiration. I used my emergency safety pin to pierce through part of the side of the shoe and the heel to hold it together. It was a crude way of "holding" the shoe together, but it worked. At least it didn't flap about anymore. I even took pictures. Lol.

I lasted until I got to my house bus stop. Which is a pretty good distance away from TP so I guess it worked. But after that, it just came out again. So I resorted to plasters. (TIP: Plasters don't work very well to hold the shoe together. Better luck with safety pins.). Plus, that day my favourite HP strap broke off and got lost.

And the day before that, my pants zipper broke as I was going home. But I was still in school of course. Luckily I had a scarf so I could at least make it less visible. Thank God. But I still went to the bookshop anyway to buy safety pins to pin it. Just in case.

Hady Mirza.

The name that makes me cair, man.

I never thought I'd go ga-ga over an idol but now, I've changed my tune. We had gotten free tickets to Hady's Celebration at Temasek Convention Centre in conjuction with his (belated) birthday and as Asian Idol. Before that, Linn and I went for the ASC interview for LC Play. Needless to say, I don't think I'm cut out for this anyways. I wanna work and get money. The rehearsals take up a lot of vacation time.

PS>>Thanks Farah for the extra ticket. Muacks.

And I got my K&L bag already. With tears in the straps. I swear I'm not going to go buy things from sprees unless it's good quality. But on the flip side, the bag design was LOVE.