171th post. Ah, has it really been so long with you, my old chum? It seems so. Need to get used to homework again after the prelims. As well as lessons. Mostly double periods at that. Taihen desu ne? OMG. So much work now. All the more slack I get. Evidence: E8/D7 grade for E. Maths. Arrgh. And the front Es get all A1s. Do you know how heartbreaking it is when you get low marks when everybody else scores? My L1R4 and 5 screw up already. I can't even qualify for poly course let alone higher NITEC like this. I got A2, A2, B3, B4, C5....then suddenly get E8/D7. Whaddefaa?

Welcome to Singapore Idol! I never expected to see Hady and Jonathan at the last Idol roadshow. We (Farah and me) went to the roadshow for fun and to see him in person. Although I don't think seeing him from the fourth floor counts as "in-person". Well, we tried (given the large crowd). Our eardrums nearly burst from all those screaming fans. Still, it was cool to see them not on TV. OMG, so handsome. I just had to say it.

I have to highlight something I saw there during the autograph session. A guy was queueing for their autograph. Nothing wrong, right? But he was handicapped. Farah pointed out that he was shaking and all. Then I saw that he was behaving different. He was limping and his hands were awkward. My heart wrenched at the sight. He shook their hands and took their autographs. While going down the stage (you had to give them the ticket that you got first, then you get the goodies...), they put the goodies in his plastic bag for him. He was so unsteady he had to hold on to the security guard. Going down the stairs, his legs were so shaking. OMG. Two security guards at the sides of the stage saw him. They assisted him; held his hand and led him down the steps and out the side. Man, my heart just melted. It just touches me. He's handicapped and yet still would go, and I feel ashamed at all the able-bodied screaming fangirls out there. Obviously he had difficulties going there. And they are clamoring to get glimpses of their favourite idols, maybe even waiting since early morning. I just- Well, I find it just speechless-

How many times must I post in one day? haha. Many times.

We went "jalan-jalan" today. Walked around Sun Plaza. Looked at This Fashion (of course...) and other clothes shops. In any case, the "we" is me, Sya, Farah and Sharmila. We spontaneously decided to spend some time out together. Wasting time. We discussed about prom night and what we would wear. If we ever went, that is. We ended up trying on clothes at This Fashion. They urged me to wear the tube dress that I had my eye on. I put an ultimatum on Syahirah. I wouldn't try it if she didn't try a dress on too. It worked. The dress was a dream. A $41 dream. sigh. Sya was nice too but the dress didn't exactly compliment her assets. Farah and Shar tried on a few tops. Okay lah. They should have tried the dresses. They have the body to flaunt it off with...

I'm slowly losing my head. The pressure and craziness is getting to me. All I have to say is - anti-depressants. That would work. No, maybe heroin...

Yeaterday night, I had sleep paralysis. I think, a week earlier, my sis said she researched the topic after she had woken up and felt like she couldn't move for a while. I was sleeping on the couch and feel asleep. Had a really weird dream too. I think I kinda drifted in and out of sleep, and one of the times, I felt like I couldn't move. Like I was stuck. It wore off after a while but it really freaked me out. I'm not sure I was awake but I think so. It's confusing. I dreamt, then "woke up", but I think that waking up was a dream too. I saw some "stuff". Dunno what "stuff" that was but it seemed like I was in the house but it was different. I dunno. I'm too stressed.

Guess who's back? Jennifar! I never thought we'd meet again. It was nice meeting with her and chatting. First and foremost: guys and life in Australia. I'd never thought we would still be as chummy or that she even remembered me. We had arranged to meet at 9 outside school but she was late. At first there was a big group of us but it dwindled bit by bit. Some had to go home and Yoga and Rama "escaped". Too bad. We later went to Northpoint and ate at KFC. Saw a lot of AI people at MacDonalds. Including "kenchang". Well, that's another story. Nithya and me changed into home clothes. I wore the purple jacket I bought earlier this week and she wore the debate shirt. The one that said that debating was better than sex. Yeah, right.

The group consisted of Farah, Nithya, Nantheni, Syahirah, Jen and me. After eating, we went to Causeway Point by MRT because Jen missed riding in an MRT. Deprived, I guess. We went to take Neoprint. All six of us. We had a hard time fitting everybody in. Got trampled along the way. lolx. We gave the extra pictures of us to Jen. For the memories. We also "scanned" along the way. haha. Jen was trying to find stuff to buy to bring back to the Down Under. Halfway, Sya needed to go home with Farah so it left me , Nithya, Jen and Nan to help Nithya find stuff to buy for you-know-who. I didn't even know they were back together. tch. Some friend. Now, I'm stuck with a 24" stuffed dog cos' she can't bring it back...

Front

Back

Finally finished my cinch top. Hand-sewn. Phew. Okay, so it was fairly simple. But I'm still a beginner and I have had no lessons. That should count for something...

Bought a purple jacket at the This Fashion sale at Sun Plaza. Managed not to anyhow buy whatever was on sale. I'm "kiasu" that way. *arghh...must resist sales* Investing in clothes since I'm going to poly (well, aiming for...). No more uniform for me.

The headaches are gone now. Maybe it was a manifestation of my prelim stress. Either that or it was because of some imbalance in my bodily functions of components. Who knows? Anyways, Bio 2 tomorrow. Studied a bit. Can't wrap my head around the whole thing. And my sis's com broke down today; needed a new monitor. So she got a new $285 one...Her money of course. I probably should stop babbling now...

Guess who? Obviously, it's me. I'm trying out the photo blogging. It's kinda interesting anyways.



Wanna know what I was doing? Two words. Squid ink. My mother cooked squid today. For fun, I decided to eat the squid ink inside and just mash it around in my mouth. And I got this...



...Horrid isn't it? (which is more horrid? me or the squid ink?)

Haha. E.Maths paper 2 today. Had a damn hell of a headache doing it too. Ok, lah. It's not impossible. But the headache was killing me. Been having it on and off for a few days. It's like the dizzy feeling you get when you sit up too fast or you get a head rush. Only longer. Sometimes, I feel like the world is swaying, a bit. When we were at Popular, I got that feeling again. Luckily there was the wrapping paper rack to hold on to. I thought I was going to faint like last time. It sure felt the same. Maybe, I'm just imagining things...

Went to eat at Long John today with JK, Nithya, Sya, Farah and Yoga. So far this week, I have eaten at BK, KFC and now Long John. Now, I just need to eat at McDonald's to complete my mission. They wanted to go to TimeZone. In the end, they cancelled. Met Hong En along the way. So funny. I keep thinking he looks like E.T. His body shape very weird. OK, I gotta go before I drop asleep. See ya!

Ah. The highs and lows of life. The swings that take you higher than ever, soaring, then down to the dark depths. I just read a book by Dia Calhoun called The Phoenix Dance. It's a retelling of The Twelve Dancing Princesses. With a twist. The story is basically about a person trying to handle manic-depressive disorder or bipolar disorder. It's definitely an interesting blend. I find myself thinking about how it would be like and the struggles that she faces. It's like a emotions on Viagra. Excessive and extreme feelings that you can't control. They call it the illness of the Two Kingdoms. The manic state is The Kingdom of Brilliance, bursting with excitable craziness. The Kingdom of Darkness is the depressive state, plunging into a deep despair. Sometimes I feel that way, but not all the time. And certainly less extreme.

You know, basically, I'm writing to practise for my Lit prelim tomorrow. haha. Had Chem 2 today. Not exactly super tough but difficult all the same. I hope to read the other book, White Midnight. I want this pressure to end. The pressure for exams. It's unnerving, I tell you. I want to do what I want, when I want. Not be stifled by this.

Had a friendly badmainton game with my sis and some nice couple today. Me and the guy on one side and my sis and he woman on the other. It was a bit awkward though because I don't know what to say. They were going to play badminton at the court and we were playing dismally so I let them have it. But they asked us to play instead. It was fun. The guy kept smacking, ended up always hitting his wife with the shuttlecock. If my mother was there, she would have already made friends with them while playing. "How old is your son?" (That's the first thing she always says...) smack. Oh, I'm in the *state job* business. whack. Yeah, we take after our father. More reserved.

Long time no see, old friend. Howya? Okay, okay, I'm getting more crazy now. Don't remind me. Today, was very undescribable. Physics prelim and Social Studies. Doable but difficult. At least my week of studying has paid off. I could answer about 75% of the questions. For Physics. First time ever. I'm still in awe. This is the first time I have really studied. As in attentively. Well, trying.

I have lost interest in blogging for now. So, see you after my "hibernation".

Yeaterday, I also fought with my brother. He said that if he didn't think of my parents, he would have killed me. Well, I said "so kill me, whack me lah". I told him I was glad because he'd be doing me a favour, stopping me from sinning anymore. That at least I fulfilled one of my brothers wishes and that I die knowing that my brother hated me to the core enough to kill me. Among other things that transpired.

Im sorry if this post is a bit brief. The bloody fikkin' computer deleted my unsaved post as I was typing it, the heartless bastard.

My eyes are puffy now. Like a big fat goldfish. And this is all I get for crying my heat out. My mother doen't even care that I cried. I wanted to apologise to her for getting angry and snarky earlier. I screamed sarcastically that yeah, I know I'm an irresponsible, lazy, idiot among other things. You never say it, but it is implied in your voice. This was before I cried, locked up in my room in self-imprisonment. Talking to myself. About my sins and what I had done wrong in my life. About repenting. Asking for forgiveness from God. Ultimately, I knew what the reality was. I still cried anyways. I wanted to say sorry and this even, I thought about. I debated whether to say it. Then I plucked the courage to say it. I hugged her and said it. But all she said was, "What's wrong with you?! You know, sometimes you-" I didn't stay to hear anymore. My heart was already cracking under the strain. I ran to my room and locked it. My face distorted and blurred as my heart grabbed the facts and finally broke into a million pieces. I stuffed my face into a blanket and cried. Because I didn't want to let anyone know how deep that cut me.

I tried. I really tried. And all you said was that. I never said this before. It took me some pride and courage and this is what I get. I will never beg for forgiveness again. As long as this things can happen, I won't. I can't stand another rejection again. I bared my heart and you broke it. This is why I hate you. Why I am afraid. Beause I know I will be rejected. I still remember that you used to say that it was lucky that my face was ugly an that I was fat. So that I won't be plagued with guys. Won't have a boyfriend. Guess what? You're right. I'm boyfiendless. It doesn't mean that I want one. Just that you hurt me. I know that this is your way. But it doen't give you the right to treat me this way. You bring us down and this is why.

I'm stuffing myself full these days. Dunno what else to do. Got nothing else to do. Studying, or rather, trying to study has not been working. I even wasted money on notecards and notebooks to supposedly jot notes and revise. Feeling guilty over not studying seriously. Eating more and more. sigh. I'm seriously going to be morbidly obese if this is how I respond to being stressed out and guilty. Since prelims haven't even begun and the 'O's are nearing...

Neoprints galore. haha. Took another one today with Shu Min and Jing Rong at J8. This was after we sneaked away from Mdm Hartini during the BGI and after we "reki"ed the place for Mun Yee's birthday present. The plan was devious. We go off pretending to go buy stuff at the stadium's mama shop, but actually we sneak away. One of the ushers ask us what zone we were from and pointed us to the changing room. We said we were from zone 7 (what else could I say on short notice?...) then said we could find it on our own and hurried away. The ushers were staring at us, I mean, we looked like we were escaping...

We took one photo ala Samsoon. hehe. I think my ego has inflated up a few notches. Must bring it back down. Becoming self-conscious. And body conscious. arghh. wth?

HMT prelims today. I don't know what the hell I was writing for the 2nd compo. It was so hard. So I wrote crap, because that was the only thing I could write in such a short time. Well, whatever. After that, went to eat at AMK Banquet. There I laughed so hard that I wanted to cry. Seriously, my thoughts were running damn perverted and so were theirs. We got the same conclusion then we laughed like our stomachs were going to burst. I think people thought we were drunk or something, we were so rowdy. We were discussing about a guy and the way he sat - cross-legged. Sya said he had no *toot* because he sat like that, Farah said "Cannot, what. How to sit with 'thing' in between your legs?", then she countered "What? Then he want to adjust the thing is it?" Go here. Go there. OMG. The person was so near some more. Sometime later, Sya said "tak boleh naik, ah" (cannot rise, ah) then also said "tak boleh masuk" (cannot go in). Then Farah, and I shared a look then burst into laughter. lolx. You probably know what I'm thinking. WTH?! When the person left, Sya said "OMG! He's flat." *sweatdrops*

After that, we decided to go take Neoprint. Ah! My money is gone already! But then we haven't actually taken one, the three of us. So I guess it's alright. I think we were the most noisiest one in the booths. I was practically squealing.

I don't deserve this adoration and idolisation. I don't deserve to be a little girl's object of adoration or elevation to sisterhood. You can't look at me that way. I'm bad. I can't be a good role model or anything. Stop it! I'm flattered and want to be that person but I can't. I just can't.

Ya Allah! Ampunilah dosa-dosa hamba Mu yang tidak layak ini. Saya tahu hamba Mu ini tidak layak dan sepatutnya bakar di dalam api Neraka. Ya Allah!