Well, bugger it.

I'm gonna let it out. There's no use suppressing my feelings if I'm gonna feel so depressed all the time because of it.

I hate being the eldest.

I hate staying at home. (well, not necessarily but I HATE always being the one who is always "counted" the be home early, even when I was schooling...) Since it's the holidays, I have nothing much to do and is ALWAYS the one at home. I want to work but what will happen to the house? Who will cook for "buka puase"? I know it sounds conceited, but it's true. Everybody else gets home late. Even if they are home early, do you think my brother and sister will ever cook?

They won't.

They won't even clean the house. Even when they were on school break. Now, I'm mostly left all alone to clean the damn house before raye.

It's not that I don't like to help clean the house or anything. It's just that why is it always up to me to do it on my own? Why am I always left alone?

My other sister always comes back home late. School or no school. And I hate it. I don't mean to say bad things but this hurts me too. I know I don't have a CCA to go to, which is why I'm mostly home and early. I know you are pursuing what you like now, in the musical. I even feel kinda happy cos' you found something that lets you express yourself. It irritates you a little about the casting and such but you mostly like it, I think. You wonder why mama doesn't approve of you doing this. Of you doing the musical. It's not because she doesn't want you to do what you love.

It's because you always come home late and rarely call back. We have to call you to know what time you're finishing.

I know you don't like being cooped up in the house and the responsibility. Who would? Which is why you say you'd rather be out there and would always try and prolong the time outside. To come home later. Because you feel stifled.

But what about me?

Do I not feel the same? Especially more so when you do this? I'm left with the responsibility of the house. I can't trust the other siblings to take care of the house as far as I can throw them.

You ALWAYS go out. Is it because everybody always knows and sees me at home, that they think I'll always be there? Be here waiting?

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on earth I could be"

It's not that I can't go out if I want to. But you all leave me with a responsibility that I have to shoulder. I feel guilty even not doing something, or not well enough. I feel guilty even writing this. I don't want to pull you away from what you love and make you feel held back.

I feel selfish as well. That I even feel this way.

But I feel miserable. Sometimes, I can't control myself.

I feel angry and frustrated.

But now, even as I type, I feel an unbearable sadness. I feel emotionally drained, trying not to feel selfish when I get frustrated. Trying to not feel self-pity or anything like that.

But it hurts me when I hear you say to me you feel stifled being cooped up, that you feel free outside.

When you ask "What's wrong with doing the musical?" to mama when she's disapproving, and then turn to me for support, I give it to you sincerely, albeit mumbled halfheartedly as my heart breaks inside. There's nothing wrong in doing it. There's just that something else.

I show my frustration and anger sometimes. If I feel angry, I will show it. I'm not the type that can hide anger easily and I also have a short fuse. But this situation is driving me crazy.

I feel better letting it out. But also, worse.
Cos' if you read this, I would have made you feel just as bad.

I know you all sort of take me for granted, a little.

But I'm not gonna be able to take this for long.

...So if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be...

I'll be at that special place my heart longs to be.