Sunday, July 08, 2007 / 10:54 PM
I hate this. I have sunk to the lowest of the low. This is not who I want to be. Callous, shallow, undeserving, fake. I might not look like it, but I feel like it. I feel so awkward in my own skin. When I go out, I feel so weird, so sick of myself. I don't even deserve to cry. I feel so guilty so unsure. So faithless. I mean, I believe in God and everything, but I feel like everything I do is wrong somehow. I can never see myself the way other people see me. I have my good days and my bad days. Mostly, I feel like I'm a freak. I should be locked away for good. Away from myself and people that shouldn't be tainted by the likes of me. Maybe, today, I feel especially sensitive about it. Maybe, I'm weak. Life feels like it's just a meaningless routine. I'm sure it has purpose. Maybe, not yet. Maybe, not now. But, soon. I should help myself. But the compulsion to do it fades. The awkward me is the only me I know. As me. And thus I should change my mindset. God is great. God is Almighty. My belief in God should overcome any obstacles that I face. Insya'allah.

