Saturday, April 28, 2007 / 12:46 AM
I had some issues to deal with today. I had a lengthy heart-to-heart session with my sis. About relationships, crushes, our mother, disappointments and the bleakness of life ahead. Every time we feel down, we have this kind of sessions. And a good long tearing session. It's good to confess your innermost feelings to whom you can trust.
We were talking about our crushes and what was our stand on relationships. We are basically the same. If I like a person, i won't tell that person that I like them. I will just like them secretly, and from afar. I don't expect the person to like me back, or have a relationship with them. But my sis wants to confess sometime so that she can get it over with and move on. Sort of like a release. No expectations. Just moving on. Then, we talked about people who ridiculed us in the past. Then about our friends and the position we stand. We feel like sidekicks. We just do. No offense to anybody, though, but it's true. We are always in the background. the only time we are in the spotlight is when we are doing something weird. Like for example, guys notice them first. It's not like I mind. But this niggling feeling still pokes me like stabs through the heart. We sometimes just wished that we would get the same attention. It's like being left out. haha. I'm crying again...
The last time I was in sec 4, I correctly predicted that Sya would get a BF next, followed by Nithya. They did, and in the same year. Since Farah was already with someone I did not say anything about her. Now, they are with the people they love. Farah with *****, again. Nithya is with Yoga. They were on and off but you knew they loved each other. Sya...is still thinking a bit about the one she was with. Sorry, I keep bringing this up again and again. So now, three of the fantastic four are... But I am... And I feel that... sigh.
Actually, I feel left out. Like everybody is doing something and I'm supposed to do it but nobody told me. It's not that I want one. I don't. Cos' I don't know what to do with one. (I suppose someone would insert a dirty thought in their heads at this moment.). But Sya and Nithya didn't tell me they were with someone. I didn't know until at the last minute. I know, maybe they wanted to keep things low profile...But I was behind everybody. They knew before I could even confirm the rumour. And they said, they thought I knew. What? At that time, I was angry and hurt as hell, I didn't even talk to them for a while. But I slowly accepted the fact that they were happy. I didn't want to burst their bubble. Don't think that I'm humble and self-sacrificing. I'm not. I'm not a saint. I'm selfish. I just didn't have the heart to be angry with them when they clearly were happy. H-A-P-P-Y. And in love. I just seem to bring up the issue whenever I get depressed again. And then, like now, I feel guilty for bringing it up time and time again. It's a vicious cycle. It eats me. But I don't begrudge them their happiness. I probably did this cos' I was insanely green with jealousy. My posts lately are of a depressive nature. I think I feel the strain of school. Or maybe the empty feeling of not having fulfilled something, that undefinable something, in your life.
There. I'm a selfish narcissist. So help me God.
We were talking about our crushes and what was our stand on relationships. We are basically the same. If I like a person, i won't tell that person that I like them. I will just like them secretly, and from afar. I don't expect the person to like me back, or have a relationship with them. But my sis wants to confess sometime so that she can get it over with and move on. Sort of like a release. No expectations. Just moving on. Then, we talked about people who ridiculed us in the past. Then about our friends and the position we stand. We feel like sidekicks. We just do. No offense to anybody, though, but it's true. We are always in the background. the only time we are in the spotlight is when we are doing something weird. Like for example, guys notice them first. It's not like I mind. But this niggling feeling still pokes me like stabs through the heart. We sometimes just wished that we would get the same attention. It's like being left out. haha. I'm crying again...
The last time I was in sec 4, I correctly predicted that Sya would get a BF next, followed by Nithya. They did, and in the same year. Since Farah was already with someone I did not say anything about her. Now, they are with the people they love. Farah with *****, again. Nithya is with Yoga. They were on and off but you knew they loved each other. Sya...is still thinking a bit about the one she was with. Sorry, I keep bringing this up again and again. So now, three of the fantastic four are... But I am... And I feel that... sigh.
Actually, I feel left out. Like everybody is doing something and I'm supposed to do it but nobody told me. It's not that I want one. I don't. Cos' I don't know what to do with one. (I suppose someone would insert a dirty thought in their heads at this moment.). But Sya and Nithya didn't tell me they were with someone. I didn't know until at the last minute. I know, maybe they wanted to keep things low profile...But I was behind everybody. They knew before I could even confirm the rumour. And they said, they thought I knew. What? At that time, I was angry and hurt as hell, I didn't even talk to them for a while. But I slowly accepted the fact that they were happy. I didn't want to burst their bubble. Don't think that I'm humble and self-sacrificing. I'm not. I'm not a saint. I'm selfish. I just didn't have the heart to be angry with them when they clearly were happy. H-A-P-P-Y. And in love. I just seem to bring up the issue whenever I get depressed again. And then, like now, I feel guilty for bringing it up time and time again. It's a vicious cycle. It eats me. But I don't begrudge them their happiness. I probably did this cos' I was insanely green with jealousy. My posts lately are of a depressive nature. I think I feel the strain of school. Or maybe the empty feeling of not having fulfilled something, that undefinable something, in your life.
There. I'm a selfish narcissist. So help me God.
