Friday, April 13, 2007 / 11:54 PM
I am becoming increasingly anti-social. I hate crowds. Literally hate crowds. People. I suffocate under them. I need time to get to know people, or else I become I recluse. Like now. I am so bored at home. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Even reading gets boring. I can only find so little good reading material in the library. The ones with the nice plots are all overseas and not available here. Damn. When I get hold of a good plot from a book, I will hunt it down. Hunt until I find it and read it. Only then will I be satisfied. Double damn. Borrowed some more books today. One looks promising. I prefer my books to have a gripping storyline. Keeps me interested. uggh. And I'm disgusted with myself...
I'm having a bit if a disagreement with my mother. And every time I get agitated, I will go out of the house and venture to Sun Plaza. And the crowds make me worse. I can't escape anywhere else. Though I wish I could. Today alone, I ventured there two times. Cos' I can't stand being in the house. I'm choking on my own solitude and desperation to escape. Though now, I realised that I am a solitary being. Alone is my forte. Even if I have to be in a crowd, I'd rather fade into it. I feel like those people standing in the middle of the bustling crowd while people zoom past. All you know is yourself. But sometimes, it can be my undoing. sigh.
And I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Inferiority complex issues. I look into the mirror and I kinda like what I see. But then, I take a camera and take a picture of myself and all the hideousness comes back. I keep thinking that maybe the one in the mirror is my perceived self, and the one in the camera is what I really look like. And I think I look like a MONSTER. Not like a scary monster. But an ugly monster. One that is insecure and vulnerable in her feelings. Damn. I sound pathetic. Because I am. Double damn. But what really matters is what I feel about myself, that I am myself and nobody else, and that I like who I am...How I wished that I believed that. God help me face these insecurities with Your Grace and Guidance.
Farah seems quite happy with her new boyfriend. Well, at least I think they are. Well, good for her. I always lament that I'm the only "single" one. And by "single", I mean never had a relationship before. haha. Anyways, that doesn't matter in life. I should be thankful that I'm alive and well. That I'm loved and cared for by people I love. However, that does not stop the single seed of doubt and insecurity from taking root inside my heart. I can't help but feel adrift. Like everybody else is doing something, but I'm left out and lost. Nobody gave me the memo. And nobody as hell gave me a handbook on life. I hate this sometimes. I wish I could be feeling something else. Fulfilled, perhaps. Gosh, it tears me. And yet, I find some days worth living for. But for now, I am constantly plagued by a feeling of a dream-like trance. All I can say is that I pray I find the meaning.
I'm having a bit if a disagreement with my mother. And every time I get agitated, I will go out of the house and venture to Sun Plaza. And the crowds make me worse. I can't escape anywhere else. Though I wish I could. Today alone, I ventured there two times. Cos' I can't stand being in the house. I'm choking on my own solitude and desperation to escape. Though now, I realised that I am a solitary being. Alone is my forte. Even if I have to be in a crowd, I'd rather fade into it. I feel like those people standing in the middle of the bustling crowd while people zoom past. All you know is yourself. But sometimes, it can be my undoing. sigh.
And I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Inferiority complex issues. I look into the mirror and I kinda like what I see. But then, I take a camera and take a picture of myself and all the hideousness comes back. I keep thinking that maybe the one in the mirror is my perceived self, and the one in the camera is what I really look like. And I think I look like a MONSTER. Not like a scary monster. But an ugly monster. One that is insecure and vulnerable in her feelings. Damn. I sound pathetic. Because I am. Double damn. But what really matters is what I feel about myself, that I am myself and nobody else, and that I like who I am...How I wished that I believed that. God help me face these insecurities with Your Grace and Guidance.
Farah seems quite happy with her new boyfriend. Well, at least I think they are. Well, good for her. I always lament that I'm the only "single" one. And by "single", I mean never had a relationship before. haha. Anyways, that doesn't matter in life. I should be thankful that I'm alive and well. That I'm loved and cared for by people I love. However, that does not stop the single seed of doubt and insecurity from taking root inside my heart. I can't help but feel adrift. Like everybody else is doing something, but I'm left out and lost. Nobody gave me the memo. And nobody as hell gave me a handbook on life. I hate this sometimes. I wish I could be feeling something else. Fulfilled, perhaps. Gosh, it tears me. And yet, I find some days worth living for. But for now, I am constantly plagued by a feeling of a dream-like trance. All I can say is that I pray I find the meaning.
