Sunday, April 29, 2007 / 1:34 AM
A breath of colour steals across the sky.
Another dawn passes us by.
I feel the light shine on me,
But it feels the same...
As yesterday's.
Have all the lifetimes
cease to exist?
When all I feel is a numbness that I can't explain.
I know the lies paper the face that I'm in.
The beauty of the lie eludes me still,
but I still go on.
And I
Have reason to think that I,
Must know
The reason for moving on.
I can't let go of the past so easily.
I need to know what it is that keeps me holding on.
Cos' I
Never knew what it was like not be wrong.
I never knew what it was like to be strong like you.
But I think I knew.
All along.
Haha. This suddenly just came to me. I thought that I might need to write it down cos' it reflects the past few posts. I admit I am a coward when it comes to feelings and being strong.
Just now, added all the emails from the people in my class to MSN. Talked to Jennifer and AlexZz about the class soccer thing on Monday. The most surprising things came from the conversation with AlexZz. He did mention a lot of things but the one thing that caught me was that he mentioned that he read my blog and that why was I so sad. He did also mention that I was naive. Cos' that I am. That certainly put things in perspective, coming from someone else. I can't deny those things. I thought he was a really quiet guy. Whoa. Newsflash. anyways, that set me to thinking, was I really that naive... And I guess I was. I just didn't want to face it. I'm naive towards the ways of the world. I'm too self-preoccupied with my own trivial problems when there are so many people out there battling a bigger one. I make up this ideal world that revolves around my so-called "problems". And don't think that it was only now, when AlexZz said it that I realized. I had an earlier revelation from one of my closest buddies. I didn't even know this part of her life. And it was much more important and significant than my own problems. I didn't know. Immediately after reading about it, I felt guilty. Guilty for not knowing. Guilty for not being there when she needed a true blue friend. Guilty for being a pig of a friend. guilty, guilty, guilty. I rest my case. I can be such a loser when it comes to life. Too bad it doesn't have an instruction manual. I know, I know. I'm a pessimist, see? I was about to insert another "excuse" for my atrocious behaviour and stopped to realize that I'm to blame. There's no valid reason for me to shift the blame to some perceived disfunction of mine. Man, how am I ever going to get through this with me still intact?
Is the me now the real me? Cos' if it's not, then I don't know who I am anymore? Is this fake me the real me? Reminds me of the question raised in CSAS. About the real you. Authenticated. Genuine. I can't help being this pessimist of a person. This outlook on life. It's ingrained. Some might call me an emo. Call me whatever you wish, it's still me. Believe me, some of you didn't see me before I was this happy-happy crazy person. You should see my secondary 1 and 2 photos. Even the sec 3 ones. All my pictures were of me frowning. I couldn't even smile properly so much so that when I took my passport photo, the guy kept telling me there was something wrong with my mouth, even when I was really trying hard to smile (that was my smile.). Geez. That bad. I'm still kinda awkward in social situations. I never know what to do. I'm just not a people-person. I'm a "get-to-know-people-slowly-over-some-time" person. But people know me as the crazy psycho friend who is great for silly and funny stuff. Occasionally, I am known to spout profound things or inadvertantly become emo-ish. And why is this blog post going on this far into my "self"?
I must have gotten carried away. Well, since I'm good for something, I might as well, carry myself away from the keyboard.
P.S>> Since I'm here, I might as well have entertained at least some person from my sarcastic wit. I'm being sarcastic...
Another dawn passes us by.
I feel the light shine on me,
But it feels the same...
As yesterday's.
Have all the lifetimes
cease to exist?
When all I feel is a numbness that I can't explain.
I know the lies paper the face that I'm in.
The beauty of the lie eludes me still,
but I still go on.
And I
Have reason to think that I,
Must know
The reason for moving on.
I can't let go of the past so easily.
I need to know what it is that keeps me holding on.
Cos' I
Never knew what it was like not be wrong.
I never knew what it was like to be strong like you.
But I think I knew.
All along.
Haha. This suddenly just came to me. I thought that I might need to write it down cos' it reflects the past few posts. I admit I am a coward when it comes to feelings and being strong.
Just now, added all the emails from the people in my class to MSN. Talked to Jennifer and AlexZz about the class soccer thing on Monday. The most surprising things came from the conversation with AlexZz. He did mention a lot of things but the one thing that caught me was that he mentioned that he read my blog and that why was I so sad. He did also mention that I was naive. Cos' that I am. That certainly put things in perspective, coming from someone else. I can't deny those things. I thought he was a really quiet guy. Whoa. Newsflash. anyways, that set me to thinking, was I really that naive... And I guess I was. I just didn't want to face it. I'm naive towards the ways of the world. I'm too self-preoccupied with my own trivial problems when there are so many people out there battling a bigger one. I make up this ideal world that revolves around my so-called "problems". And don't think that it was only now, when AlexZz said it that I realized. I had an earlier revelation from one of my closest buddies. I didn't even know this part of her life. And it was much more important and significant than my own problems. I didn't know. Immediately after reading about it, I felt guilty. Guilty for not knowing. Guilty for not being there when she needed a true blue friend. Guilty for being a pig of a friend. guilty, guilty, guilty. I rest my case. I can be such a loser when it comes to life. Too bad it doesn't have an instruction manual. I know, I know. I'm a pessimist, see? I was about to insert another "excuse" for my atrocious behaviour and stopped to realize that I'm to blame. There's no valid reason for me to shift the blame to some perceived disfunction of mine. Man, how am I ever going to get through this with me still intact?
Is the me now the real me? Cos' if it's not, then I don't know who I am anymore? Is this fake me the real me? Reminds me of the question raised in CSAS. About the real you. Authenticated. Genuine. I can't help being this pessimist of a person. This outlook on life. It's ingrained. Some might call me an emo. Call me whatever you wish, it's still me. Believe me, some of you didn't see me before I was this happy-happy crazy person. You should see my secondary 1 and 2 photos. Even the sec 3 ones. All my pictures were of me frowning. I couldn't even smile properly so much so that when I took my passport photo, the guy kept telling me there was something wrong with my mouth, even when I was really trying hard to smile (that was my smile.). Geez. That bad. I'm still kinda awkward in social situations. I never know what to do. I'm just not a people-person. I'm a "get-to-know-people-slowly-over-some-time" person. But people know me as the crazy psycho friend who is great for silly and funny stuff. Occasionally, I am known to spout profound things or inadvertantly become emo-ish. And why is this blog post going on this far into my "self"?
I must have gotten carried away. Well, since I'm good for something, I might as well, carry myself away from the keyboard.
P.S>> Since I'm here, I might as well have entertained at least some person from my sarcastic wit. I'm being sarcastic...
