Another day of sian-ness and absolut craziness. When will it ever stop? The more I see that person, the more nervous I become. The more stupid mortifying things I will do. OMOG. Asked Nithya whether she thought I was ugly. She said no. Even though it might be a bit narcississtic, hell, a lot narcississtic, I need to know. A part of me feels insecure. Trapped in the shadows of someone else. You can hit me with tomatoes or whatever you like, but I can't forever just hide under this enveloping shadow. It chokes me. I can't even differentiate whether what I am today is me, or rebelling to get out of that shadow.

Forgive me F****. But I think it is so. From my previous posts, I have ranted and raved about this. Hidden, of course and at the time, unnoticed. I now realise that I knew even then. I know, I know. So drama right? I also realise that unconsciously, I'm looking for someone. I yearn to feel wanted. Nithya has Yoga. Farah has her "unknowns". Syahirah has/had Saini. Me? Don't mention it. Don't remind me, this is unrealistic and would likely keep me off track but I feel left out. I'm having seriously weird thoughts about stuff. It's wrong, but, this is so cliche, I can't help myself.