Tuesday, June 27, 2006 / 9:34 PM
As I sit her typing what looks like my blog entry, I feel that I've cheated myself in some way. I think about my sore muscles, my bruised pride and my impending sense of helplessness. Now I know how Joann feels. I even contemplated suicide and death. But I don't want to waste my life just like that. There are better ways to kill yourself without trying...
All I got from running for the glory of my class is nada, zip, zilch, kosong. Except the sore muscles, bruised pride etc. I came in last. Well, there were 6 girls - two of them from track and field. You do the math. They were running way ahead of me; I was lugging behind, breathing like what Yoga called "Rhino" breaths. But I persevered and jogged the whole way. Yay, for me!
Well, that bubble soon burst as I gazed upon the skinny, lean bodies of the track girls. Everywhere I look, there's something to eat me up inside with green jealousy. I can't help myself. I was fat once. Then I slimmed down a bit. I thought that that would be enough to bring me into the ranks of normalhood. Then again, nothing is ever normal, including me. Is it not enough that I am "okay" sized? Do I need to be a bamboo pole before I get accepted into society? Seriously, this is eating me up inside. As soon as I got home, I cried my heart out. I couldn't contain the dam of tears inside me. I think some of it showed on my face because my family didn't bother me for a while.
I'll continue later when I stop sniffling like a running tap. I hope I turn out okay.
All I got from running for the glory of my class is nada, zip, zilch, kosong. Except the sore muscles, bruised pride etc. I came in last. Well, there were 6 girls - two of them from track and field. You do the math. They were running way ahead of me; I was lugging behind, breathing like what Yoga called "Rhino" breaths. But I persevered and jogged the whole way. Yay, for me!
Well, that bubble soon burst as I gazed upon the skinny, lean bodies of the track girls. Everywhere I look, there's something to eat me up inside with green jealousy. I can't help myself. I was fat once. Then I slimmed down a bit. I thought that that would be enough to bring me into the ranks of normalhood. Then again, nothing is ever normal, including me. Is it not enough that I am "okay" sized? Do I need to be a bamboo pole before I get accepted into society? Seriously, this is eating me up inside. As soon as I got home, I cried my heart out. I couldn't contain the dam of tears inside me. I think some of it showed on my face because my family didn't bother me for a while.
I'll continue later when I stop sniffling like a running tap. I hope I turn out okay.
