Friday, May 19, 2006 / 8:15 PM
Well, I had a bad day. A lot of things happened that made me realise some things about myself and my life. It would be better if my thoughts could magically express themselves on this blog, but unfortunately human technology is not so advanced yet. Today, I just got back my marks for my Mid-Year exam. Fast, isn't it? I failed two subjects, Chemistry and Physics. Well, in truth, most of my subjects weren't much to look at either. The best that I got was my English and Biology. How am I supposed to face my parents, let alone myself. Living with myself everyday knowing I didn't do my best. Well, it's hard.
Another thing, I feel so unlike myself nowadays that I feel that I don;t know myself anymore. Not anything. Today, the results for the next committee was out. I feel okay about it...What I am sad about is that this is our last activity in SJAB before we step down. And you know what, the juniors totally did not respect us at all. We had to threaten and shout before they would listen. You know what really broke our hearts and caoused us so much heartpain? They didn't even have the initiative to plan our step down. It's not that we expect something grand, just that they could be a little more appreciative of our efforts. The juniors actually seemed happy to see us go. Wouldn't it pain your heart too?
And another thing. Why is it that I always act funny around guys? I mean, any guy that is not ugly and of eligible age. Preferably under thirty. I kind of seem attracted to a lot of guys. Is it possible to have a crush on a few guys at the same time? Not strangers of course. People I know. Relatively. Is it teenage hormones? Or am I just a nymphomaniac? I kind of act like I want to do something impressive and somehow act stupid. Really really stupid. Or crazy. Whichever is less mortifying...I honestly do not know. I like them and all but that's it. I just like them from afar. I don't even intend to tell anyone, let alone my crush(es). Although to be honest, I yearn for approval and adoration. People around me left and right are having relationships. I feel left out. Socially awkward.
Do you know that I am awkward in social situations? There is a certain self-awareness and kind of a terror. How do I act? How do I react? I must be paranoid, for I think that sometimes, people are taking about me. Looking at me. Like I am in a reality show and everyone watches me live my life. Like everyone else knows what role to play, and I'm the only one who doesn't. This is my true and heartfelt feelings. I have a lot of secrets so deep and dark that I cannot ever tell anyone. For I would lose all that I have and be shunned by society. I might never come out of the closet. For that is the only place that I can hide and be myself...
Another thing, I feel so unlike myself nowadays that I feel that I don;t know myself anymore. Not anything. Today, the results for the next committee was out. I feel okay about it...What I am sad about is that this is our last activity in SJAB before we step down. And you know what, the juniors totally did not respect us at all. We had to threaten and shout before they would listen. You know what really broke our hearts and caoused us so much heartpain? They didn't even have the initiative to plan our step down. It's not that we expect something grand, just that they could be a little more appreciative of our efforts. The juniors actually seemed happy to see us go. Wouldn't it pain your heart too?
And another thing. Why is it that I always act funny around guys? I mean, any guy that is not ugly and of eligible age. Preferably under thirty. I kind of seem attracted to a lot of guys. Is it possible to have a crush on a few guys at the same time? Not strangers of course. People I know. Relatively. Is it teenage hormones? Or am I just a nymphomaniac? I kind of act like I want to do something impressive and somehow act stupid. Really really stupid. Or crazy. Whichever is less mortifying...I honestly do not know. I like them and all but that's it. I just like them from afar. I don't even intend to tell anyone, let alone my crush(es). Although to be honest, I yearn for approval and adoration. People around me left and right are having relationships. I feel left out. Socially awkward.
Do you know that I am awkward in social situations? There is a certain self-awareness and kind of a terror. How do I act? How do I react? I must be paranoid, for I think that sometimes, people are taking about me. Looking at me. Like I am in a reality show and everyone watches me live my life. Like everyone else knows what role to play, and I'm the only one who doesn't. This is my true and heartfelt feelings. I have a lot of secrets so deep and dark that I cannot ever tell anyone. For I would lose all that I have and be shunned by society. I might never come out of the closet. For that is the only place that I can hide and be myself...
